Ever feel like you are constantly answering an emotional fire alarm? If you feel that all you are doing is putting out fires in your relationships – you might be a rescuer.
There are many reasons we may get in to the habit of or feel the need to rescue others. Now “not being a rescuer” doesn’t mean that we don’t do things for others, particularly people we love. That is actually part of the give and take of love.
The problem comes when the give and take tends to be one person doing most of the giving and the other person doing most if not all of the taking. The imbalance may be one or both, the giver’s need to justify their existence and needs and/or the taker’s desire to have their own needs met regardless of how this affects others.
The taker may be in that position because they are powerful and are able to force, intimidate, abuse or manipulate someone with less power in to doing what they want. Sometimes it is less about physical/financial power and more about the emotional/verbal abuse and/or manipulation.
Examples of this commonly are someone who has “just been too hurt” to be able to “deal with that right now,” or too stressed, or they “didn’t mean” to act like that. There are usually lots of excuses involved.
Everybody has a bad day once in a while and may snap at someone occasionally. But that is not the same or an excuse for living your life making others feel they must walk on eggshells.
Take a real inventory of your emotions and actions. Do you worry every day about whether someone else is having a good day, whether they will be angry when they come home, whether something you say or do (or don’t say or do) is going to make for an evening of anger, accusations or ignoring you?
This is living in crisis mode – you are so focused on minute by minute – you don’t step back and see the big picture.
1. To be a rescuer – you don’t feel you are enough so if you can: change someone’s life, make them feel better, do more than anyone else, (insert “above and beyond” action here) then maybe you will be worthwhile enough.
You may feel the need to do things in order to be worthwhile enough to be recognized, be a friend, exist, be heard (not happening), be loved (also usually not happening). If you have to “do” something to be “good enough” to be treated humanely, courteously, compassionately, then you aren’t being heard and loved. You are doing most of the working just to “be enough,” you aren’t feeling loved enough and the balance of someone else giving back.
Remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts recognizes she is being treated like a prostitute by someone who thinks he is treating her well? He is not willing to commit so he is essentially buying her love by offering to furnish an apartment, etc. Like Julia, don’t get caught up in the “pretty packages” – hold out for the whole package. Not perfection, but commitment and love, not bargaining and bribery.
2. To be a rescuer, you feel you owe everyone else. This is sort of the same but different.
You still don’t feel that you are enough on your own, and your focus is still on what the other person needs. But it isn’t thinking that you could ever do something good enough to be the hero.
You’re focused on how much more valuable everyone else is, how they deserve a better life, how life should be easier for them. And you step up to balance out their life by providing what life has apparently not recognized and provided for them.
These are pretty much two sides of the coin. A coin you never get to spend, you just keep trying to earn, repeatedly and continually, without end.
It will continue until YOU decide to get out of the spinning wheel. Until You realize that running on the wheel will never take you where you want to go.
Get out of the hamster’s cage and choose to make healthier for you decisions. You are the only one with the power but don’t be afraid to reach out to others who can help, other givers – not the Taker!
Have you sometimes found yourself getting in the “Rescuer” mode, in an unhealthy way? Feel free to share in the conversation over at my Facebook page – Click Here.