Sometimes we are so used to a situation or behavior that it seems normal to us. This is commonly true for those of us who grew up in a household where a parent or grandparent was especially difficult or demanding. Others in the family may have normalized it with comments like “oh, that’s just the way he/she is” or “don’t say anything about that to him/her, you know what will happen.”
Likely the behavior has gone on so long that everyone has gotten used to walking around the problem, not even considering addressing it. In fact, instead of attributing the bad behavior and responsibility to the person who is reactive, raging and/or selfish, anyone who triggers them is blamed.
The only person not suffering the consequences of the acting out – is the one causing the crisis. Everyone else is expected to adjust their behavior, attitudes, actions, and schedules. It can feel like a giant toddler controls everyone’s lives. And the toddler throws a temper tantrum whenever they don’t get what they want. Or just because they can.
Especially for kids growing up in this situation, you have no power. You are essentially in what feels like a hopeless, helpless situation. So since you can’t fix the problem, you learn to walk lightly on the eggshells scattered over the emotional dynamite.
You are always in flight or fight mode. Your adrenaline is always pumping, leaving you exhausted and/or restless and irritable. Your living a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or the rage to start, can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; feeling like you are always on the ready to go to battle. It can cause you to be reactive or to just withdraw, to numb yourself from the emotional stress.
It can also make you believe you should feel guilt and shame for things you have no control over, particularly if you are a kid. Or if you are married to the person triggering all of the fear.
What can you do in that situation? Many people, especially if you grew up in it, learn to be super sensitive to the emotions, actions and behaviors of the one with the power – the emotional volcano. You probably got to the point where you not only could see when things were going bad and a meltdown was coming, but you could tell the emotional temperature in the room as soon as you walked in.
You may not even have known what you were seeing, that told you it was happening, but you knew when the storm was coming. You knew when it was time to disappear, or start trying to pacify. You learned how to tiptoe around emotionally and avoid causing questions or triggering responses.
And you took that sensitivity with you into other relationships. You may have become so sensitive to others that you felt the need to constantly eliminate all confrontations, disagreements or discomfort. You end up being on high alert even when you are with other people.
One of the many problems with walking on eggshells all of the time is that nothing ever gets addressed and resolved. Everybody just tries to hide from the explosion or avoid triggering it. All of the power goes to the one who is least likely to own their behavior and take responsibility. They are the least likely to be interested in other’s feelings or desires. The pattern continues to repeat and expand. Until someone gets tired of the eggshell walk and steps out of the war zone.
The best way to avoid getting blown up in a minefield is to stay out of it. If you’re walking on eggshells with someone who has Narcissistic traits, maybe it’s time to get off the eggshells and out of the reach of the explosions. Save the eggshells for the Easter Egg hunt.
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