When you empty out your life of someone or something, you need to fill that space with a positive replacement. Otherwise, you may be drawn to the same negativity that was there before. Example, if you reduce your eating, fill that spot with something else enjoyable – activity, hobbies, art, music, spending time w/friends, a pet, a new pursuit.
If you empty out your life of someone who has filled your time, space and thoughts with how bad or useless you are, you must start to fill that with positives. If not, you can easily be drawn back into that same familiar pattern, even before you know it. Subconsciously, you will find it compelling and desirable, before your mind ever kicks in to see bad choices. You’re in charge of filling that treasure box, your brain, and heart, now with good things.
Since you may have already recognized by now that no matter how many compliments you receive from others, they cannot penetrate your filtering system. They cannot be accepted or added to your treasure box unless you first believe them. Otherwise, they bounce off you and hit the floor like shattering glasses.
You can’t believe them for yourself you say? You can learn. Think of it like learning to bowl – first you have to believe you can pick up the ball. Then you practice picking up the ball and getting it up to the lane. For some, especially children, that can be a big accomplishment. In fact, they may need to be resourceful in how to get that ball to the lane. You may see them rolling it. Hurray, it is progress. It is movement. It is action. And eventually, it will make it to the lane. You start from where you are and work with the capabilities you have. You enjoy today with what you can do now. And you look forward to what you’ll be able to do two days and two months and two years from now. Don’t fret what you aren’t yet. Live and enjoy what you are today while also being tickled that there is room to grow.
If you ever played with gutter bumpers, you’ve seen that this is an addition to help encourage new players that they can get the ball down the lane. It gives the excitement of achievement while you are in the process of building the strength and skills to get the ball somewhere near where you want. In filling that blank space of validation, you start slow with bumpers too.
When you refuse to accept a compliment, you are failing to get the ball up to the lane. You are refusing help or alternative ways of moving the ball. When you fend off compliments from others, it is like bowling without the bumpers. You are actually forcing the bowling ball into the gutter.
So how do you start? Start off easy. When someone compliments you, do something different. Say “Thank you.” And that’s all. No comments. No deflecting. No pointing out imperfections. Just “thank you.” Practice this and it will get easier. This may be the hardest part for you, just like the 5 year old trying to get an 8 pound ball up to the lane. But it’s the first step.
As you are saying thank you on the outside, start to actually accept it on the inside. When you see this change in you, be encouraged. You are making progress. You have begun to both fill your heart with validation and acceptance. But you are taking control of your life and what goes into your mind and heart. You can fill it with positives. Just remember that you are not becoming addicted to other’s validating you, you are learning to allow yourself to accept good thoughts about yourself. That is the real power in this. Accepting yourself.
Just keep going, learning to enjoy feeling that you are worthwhile, have good skills. This will begin to fill that spot with the familiarity for genuine acceptance and validation from yourself, giving you the strength to lay down strong boundaries to protect you.
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