(From “Are you too nice? Is it possible? Take the Quiz“. Click here to read Part 1.)
Scored 0, Does that mean I’m not nice
Okay, so you got a 0 on the quiz, does that mean you are not a nice person? Not necessarily yes or no. This quiz is focused more on those activities that are really “above and beyond” types of behavior – in other words, doing things for other people that they really are quite capable of doing themselves. And probably should be doing themselves.
Now if you are thinking you are rarely doing anything for others, people comment on your lack of help, empathy, niceness, etc. then you might want to look in to that but I can’t help you here – that’s not what this blog is about. Needless to say, you might want to listen more and make a bigger effort to help others.
You scored 3-4, what does that mean?
You got a 3-4 on your score, this could mean that you are in the habit of doing things for others that they really should be doing for themselves. For instance, if you answered #’s 1, 2 and 3 with a yes, you may do this because you like to do things for others; #s 4-7 may be more related to your self-value.
Check to see how often you are doing this, are you literally “waiting on someone, hand and foot?” Think about what you might think of those same actions if someone else was doing them, like your daughter for her husband or a friend and their significant other. Would you feel it was a bit much? It might not if you have been raised in a family that does this, or in certain cultures where it may be the norm expectation.
What’s wrong with that you say? Well, it’s not that it’s wrong but more about what would be better. Different dynamics may start to show up if this is a long time behavior. Often, although the giver (person giving in some way) may or may not expect the taker (person taking favors/actions, etc. from the giver) to do something in return, in can develop into a pattern of frustration. The giver (you) may at some point notice that they are giving much more than they are receiving and feel taken for granted. The taker on the other hand may feel that they didn’t ask you to do that so they don’t feel the need to balance the give and take.
If the giving continues to be out of balance, without some voluntary returns, anger may start to grow for both the giver and the taker. The giver feels disrespected while the taker may feel: the gift has strings attached, blackmailed to reciprocate for something they didn’t really want that much, or the taker may even become angry at themselves or the giver.
If the taker begins to feel guilty that they are taking advantage of the giver and/or manipulated into doing things they don’t want to do, they may actually become resentful of you, the giver. This can leave the giver feeling both taken for granted, and angry, that after gifting behaviors they are reaping anger instead of love and validation. Sometimes the giver really is using it to manipulate the taker. Another possibility is that the taker can begin to feel that the giver is “mothering” them, not what they may be looking for, especially if this is their significant other. Or anyone other than their mother. And even if it is their mother.
Last, the taker may feel that the giver is not taking care of themselves and should “show some self respect.” In that case, seeing the giver doing things the taker knows they can and should be doing for themselves can actually be a turn-off and cause them to move away from the giver emotionally.
If your yes answers were to questions farther down the list – please see the results for having had 5-10 or even 11+ as your answer.
A score of 5-10, affects the Giver and the Taker
If you answered yes to 5-10 questions, some of the same motivations and reactions from the 3-4 score may be at play. But this means it has progressed to more than servant style fetch and waitressing. It may be time to think about why you feel that it is okay for you to be treated rudely, accepting that and still waiting on the taker.
Again, the farther down the list your “yes” answers, the more likely the need to examine the why behind your answers. For instance, there is a lot of fear and anger associated with questions 7-13, and a lot of selfishness or lack of empathy associated with other questions. Have you found that throughout your life, you have experienced a pattern of not valuing yourself very highly? This can lead to cycles of relationships where the giver is treated as “less than” in value. Often the giver already feels “less than” so being in a relationship where they are treated that way feels like what they deserve, or just feels normal anyway. That is often why we are drawn to the familiar but undesirable.
Are you ready to move toward feeling that you are” enough”? Maybe you are ready to start a list of things you like about yourself. Start to remind yourself that you are not valuable for what you do but for who you are.
Scores of 11 and higher, What does that mean for the Giver
If you answered yes to 11 or more, there may be a strong pattern of feeling that you have to always be the giver, that you have less value and that your needs don’t matter as much or at all.
Start to think about the situations related to your yes answers and look for patterns. Look for when you are “one down” or put everyone else’s desires as more important than yours. Look for patterns in others you spend time with who may show a lack of empathy or concern for your and/or others. If so, do you have people in your life that do value you and treat you with respect?
Perhaps you could spend more time with them and strengthen your familiarity and acceptance of being treated as a valuable human being. Try to spend time with people who accept you for who you are but also want the best for you and inspire you to reach for your goals.
In the meantime, if you found you had a lot of yes answers or answered to questions you know you are not happy with, this could be a good time to do more assessment of the relationships in your life. It might be an indication of one or more of the following: it might indicate a controlling relationship; a high lack of self-value and/or lack of healthy self-love; or even the red flags of an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship.
So many times the giver will be so focused on the needs and pain of the taker, that they are swept along each day in the drama. They may be trying to “fix” the taker’s pain and lose sight of the reality that being treated poorly will not make the taker or the giver feel better.
How do we get in to those types of unhealthy relationships? Sometimes it is a learned pattern that seems normal and familiar until the giver recognizes a healthier way to live. Sometimes we are trying to change the other person for good, but only they can choose to change, just as we can. And if we really love them and want them to be healthier and happier, then we need to model that kind of relationship.
Sometimes we get stuck in a loop of being treated poorly and being broken, thinking somehow that will “fix” the other person. Sometimes we don’t think we deserve a healthy relationship or don’t want change – then we will continue to fulfill that belief.
However, if we want ourselves or other people, or both, to have healthier relationships, the loving thing is to stop the unhealthy behavior. The giver being abused, disrespected or ignored will not teach the taker how to be in a healthy relationship. The loving thing for the giver and the taker is to learn to set boundaries, not to accept disrespectful treatment and reach out to others for coaching on living a healthier emotional life. It may be tough but it can be worth it.
What can I do if I want Change
Sometimes it helps to have someone unbiased to help walk you through those changes and learning how to set boundaries. One book that may be helpful is Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (some versions are available on Amazon, Audible.com and probably your local library).
Another option is to reach out to a therapist who can bring some perspective and knowledge on setting and achieving your goals of valuing yourself and having more balanced relationships.
It is always helpful spending time with and observing people and relationships you admire is also a good way to learn. Try to notice how they treat each other, being both independent and giving, working out disagreements and showing affection, loyalty and empathy.
Were you surprised at your score? Were you happy with your score? If not, what is one step that you could take to improve your score and your relationships?
(To take the Quiz Click Here for Part 1)
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