Sometimes it’s easier to take the blame and shame than accept the disappointing truth about our loved one.
Why is it so hard to quit allowing a parent or partner to keep hurting us emotionally? You would think we would get so tired of getting the same treatment (bad with a side of mean and humiliating) that we would get angry, throw our hands in the air and run far away from those relationships that keep hurting us.
If only it were that simple. There are lots of reasons involved. But most of them don’t seem reasonable on the surface. You have to look deeper, into the unseen chains.The dynamics and reactions are not usually obvious or easy.
First, remember that frequently we see that person’s pain so we give them the benefit of the doubt, extra grace and hold hope that they will heal. “No doubt, when they recognize their worth, or identify that they are hurting others – they’ll change their behavior” we tell ourselves. We see the good in them and believe that given enough love, they will live up to the potential we believe they have. Unfortunately, that often speaks more about our compassion and hope than it does about their reality and motivation.
Another common scenario is that if we acknowledge their unloving treatment toward us, then we must face two very difficult truths. We must then face the narrative that this person who is supposed to be the one who loves us the most and unconditionally (as our parent or partner), does not actually love and cherish us. But rather disrespects, ignores, abuses, shames and mistreats us. How do we reconcile that the person who is supposed to love us no matter what, doesn’t.
How do we wrap our head around the idea that someone so close to us could be so selfish and narcissistic? And doesn’t that somehow make us unloveable, broken, worthless? How can we be valuable if our own mom/dad/spouse doesn’t love us?
Another double-bind that can keep us from making or seeing healthy choices starts from a place of powerlessness. It isn’t usually examined or thought about but is more of a subconscious reasoning. It follows this pattern: if I believe that I am the problem, then I have hope because I can work harder, do more, try harder, be better, and so on, to make my parent/partner happy. And when I change me, then that will make them happy, which means everything will be okay. I am able to hold the belief and hope that I have some kind of control and the situation can get better.
If I accept that they are actually the problem, that they are abusive, mean, uncaring, toxic, andor selfish, then that is a truly hopeless scenario. I’m left to feel helpless or powerless compared to them. Because if they are the problem, I can’t change them, so I am truly at their mercy with no power to protect myself or hope for anything to get better. That is a helpless, hopeless scenario that may be much more overwhelming than owning that I am imperfect. It likely seems intolerable to hold that belief.
This is particularly true for children, since they have no real power in the adult world to survive on their own. If they allow themselves to believe the problem is only their parents’ unloving choices, the child is condemned to be at the parent’s nonexistent mercy. There is no hope for the child to change, gain power or control their situation. They are condemned to the pain continuing.
This is also true for a spouse or partner who likely has little power, leverage or control. They may be financially in bondage, or feel unable to support themselves (and their children) which leaves them feeling there are no options. Or they may have been raised by an abusive parent/ trained by their partner to believe they are either incompetent or to feel they are incapable of tolerating the emotional pain of this truth. So they believe they must avoid it in order to survive.
The emotional bondage of these situations can be far stronger than any physical options to stay or go. We can only dream of what we can believe for ourselves.
Commonly, the belief that we are totally unable to survive on our own has also been drilled in every day. The “reality” being experienced offers no option to leave, change or survive without them. This emotional chain is much stronger than any physical one ever could be. And it comes with a barbed wire fence.
If you try to peek over the barriers, know that there will be pain, there will be wounds and there will be emotional pain. But you’re probably already living with that. My hope is that you’ll get a glimpse of peace and freedom. And your own hope.