We all know that there are really selfish, uncaring, disrespectful, manipulative people out there. But we’re sure we’d recognize and avoid them. And they don’t exist in our circles of friends, relatives, acquaintances. Ok, well there is that one guy…. but he’s just a friend of a friend of someone’s cousin twice removed. Or that guy we used to work for. We’d never put up with the treatment from a narcissist! You’d have to be a doormat to be in that kind of relationship, right?
Maybe not so much doormat as limp dishrag? Or situationally doormatty? Or sometimes you see it for everyone else. But you’re only blind to it when you’re in a relationship with one. Or maybe you were totally blindsided by someone who seemed great at first.
Or maybe you recognize, that for you to be less than aware of a narcissist in your midst, it’s just really about certain people. Or one person. Maybe you are the first in line to cheerlead others to stand up for themselves. Maybe you can point out disrespectful treatment of others at 250 paces. But maybe you’re not so good at spotting it when it’s happening to you, even at 2 paces.
How can that be? It’s actually not that uncommon. And it is definitely linked to that personality that wants to lift others up, do for others, encourage and protect others. Even at the cost of their own well-being.
That same person who will go the extra mile, give the benefit of the doubt and be there for you in a crisis tends to expect others to have the same outlook. Because they are a person with positive, trustworthy motivations and actions, they expect that most people will be more or less the same. Because they associate and spend time with primarily “good, nice people” they expect that people they would know would generally treat others fairly respectfully. After all, this isn’t a deep dark alley, prison yard or the type of place where “really mean, bad people” hangout.
So maybe what this type of wonderful, caring giving person needs is more information, a sort of narcissist detector kit and permission to trust their gut when someone doesn’t really seem to live up to the persona. Permission to have strong fences or boundaries to protect their wonderful souls and hearts from people who don’t really value them, no matter what the intruder says. The knowledge that not everyone deserves or should be trusted with friendship.
In other words, you don’t have to change who you are as a kind caring compassionate person, you just change who you let get close enough to hurt you and steal your valuables (like your friendship, time and love). Just like we have doors on our house that let in friends and keep out burglars, we should have emotional doors too for protection. Don’t let strangers in till they’ve been proven trustworthy. Or disrespectful and the door is locked to them.
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