Several times over my life, I was in a relationship with someone who had a painful and sad history. Being a very sympathetic person, I took their emotional pain very seriously and excused a lot of their behaviors.
I would often think, “oh, if only I can support/encourage/validate them, they can move past that pain and the behavior it causes.
If only they could see how great they are or how much better they would feel or bla bla bla.” I literally felt pain in my own body when I thought of the painful experiences they had been through and continued to experience (because of their behaviors).
So you’re probably either thinking: 1. what a caring, sensitive person or 2. what an excuse for someone to act badly and take it out on you. Actually, both are true. I am a very sensitive, caring person who often used to let people treat me poorly, because I valued their pain higher than my own.
And I was not only excusing someone else’s bad behavior, I was teaching them what they could do to manipulate me. Obviously, I was not aware that I was handing over the keys to the kingdom (my heart) to someone who was planning to use them against me. I didn’t know what I was dealing with.
I thought these actions were short-term, over-stressed, apologize and act better, types of behaviors. I thought, I could encourage them to love themselves more and they would become nicer, happier people.
If I had been in relationship with a non-Narcissist, it probably would have gone more like this: ME – When you call me names or yell at me, it hurts my feelings. I feel like you don’t care about me. THEM – I’m sorry, I had a really bad day. I’m sorry I took it out on you. I do care about you. Maybe I need to go for a walk to get rid of some of my frustration before I talk, so I don’t take it out on you or others again.
What I didn’t know was that I had brought a cheerleader’s pom-pom to a knife fight. Every time I demeaned myself to make their behavior not seem so bad, I would get an emotional knifing. Every time I would try to explain how they were hurting me with their behavior, they would go for the emotional jugular – raging, insulting and shaming. Every time I gave them the benefit of the doubt, they chalked it up as a need to escalate their behavior.
What I didn’t know, was that I was not working with someone who just needed encouragement and emotional support. I was working with a full-on Narcissist! And some of the most important things when you are engaged with a Narcissist:
- Everything is a win/lose situation, Everything!
- It’s always yours, or someone else’s fault – never theirs.
3. Losing, for them is a fate worse than death.
- It’s ALL about them, all the time.
- Emotional vulnerability is considered weakness.
- They do NOT change! (not for the good anyway)
- Apologies are for wimps or manipulation (see rule #2).
8.They can flip behaviors on the head of needle; if rage doesn’t work, move to crying/self-pity/fake apologies and promises. If that doesn’t work, move to threats and even physical abuse.
Their agenda may be: rotate through actions as needed to keep the caring person off guard and traumatized, sprinkle with name-calling, charm, blaming, and comments to increase the caring persons self-doubt. Then throw in a moment of kindness, just to confuse the caring person, and back to abuse (Emotional, Financial, Mental, Verbal and/or Physical.
Continue, not just until the caring person is on the floor crying, continue past that until you as the Narcissist feel invigorated by the drama and power. Continue until there is nothing else to gain and you are bored. Move on to the next conquest. Repeat as desired, preferably often, so the caring person does not regain their emotional strength and perspective.
That’s why you need to know when you are dealing with a Narcissist, because all of the normal, expected ways of engaging are not going to work with them. They are not going to change in to the loving, kind person you are hoping for. The best way to deal with a Narcissist? If there is any way possible to avoid them, walk away. The only way to win this emotionally abusive game is to NOT play.
You WILL NOT get closure! You cannot explain your side (they don’t care). And you cannot come to an agreement that they are being unreasonable (read 1-8 again). You need to know who you are dealing with. And walk away! No, run away!
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