If you had a house filled with things you treasured, expensive furniture, electronics and jewelry, you would want to keep it safe right? You would make sure the windows were secure and locked, that you had a deadbolt on the doors. You would go around and check the locks on a regular basis, especially at times of higher danger such as at night.
You would probably close the curtains at night so others could not stare in and see what they could steal. You might even install a security system and/or a fence around the yard. You would certainly not leave the garage door open along with the entrance to the house. You would not allow anyone walking by to just come in and wander around the house. You would not give the keys to your house to random people on the street.
If you did do these things, and you were robbed by the person you had allowed in or given keys to, what would you do then? Would you just say oh well? Would you go to another person on the street and give them keys too? Would you replace the stolen items and then allow thieves to come in again?
You may say “of course not! I would change the locks. I would change my habits, start closing and locking doors. I would not give keys to people I didn’t know I could trust. I would not let people in that I didn’t believe were trustworthy. I would build the fence and close the gate. I would be more careful about who I let know what expensive belongings I had. I would change the way I took care of my home.”
Okay, so you would change. You would change the opportunity for unproven people to take advantage of your good nature. You would still be who you are, but you would put protection (boundaries) around to protect you from people who have not yet proven themselves trustworthy. You would still invite people in that you know are safe and care about you. You would come and go as you please. But you would not allow access to those who do not have your best interests at heart.
It is the same when you leave a relationship with a Taker, a User, or a Narcissist. You have a pattern of behavior that made you vulnerable to that kind of person. You have a heart that is of great worth, as a beautiful diamond necklace. You treat others with respect and care. So you expect others to do the same. This does not make you a bad person or stupid. It does make you a target. It makes you the easiest way for a thief to get what they want, in this case, your admiration, validation and generosity.
You need to protect that, your heart, just as you would a diamond necklace. If you don’t change how you protect yourself, you will have even more thieves walking into your life, looking to steal your valuables. You would change the locks, your rules for who comes into your home, and how much freedom they have in your home. If they threatened you, yelled at you, called you names – you would ask them to leave. You would make sure they left. And they would not be invited back.
If you found some people just kept coming over at dinner time to eat but never reciprocated, never were there for you, you would stop letting them in. If you found they refused to work but wanted you to keep giving them money to waste, you would stop giving.
You need to practice that with your heart. People need to earn the right to be in relationship with you (that’s right you). They need to prove that they are safe people; that takes a long time. Some people will quickly try to win you over, doing all the right things, showing you with compliments, flattery and even gifts. They may try to win your heart with comments about how you are the only one who understands them, how they feel so at ease with you, and so on, putting you on a pedestal.
This usually happens pretty quickly. That’s for a reason, to take you off guard and get you to be open to them, attached to their praise. This is like leaving all the doors and lights on with maps to the valuables in your home, again putting yourself in danger. People who plan on stealing, are always on the lookout for a situation like this where they can take advantage of someone and meet their own needs. They have years of practice at this, having lied and schemed to get what they want all of their lives. They are just looking for a way in, someone to leave the door unlocked.
So you see there is much more to do to protect yourself even after you have left the narcissist. Not that that isn’t a huge accomplishment. You have escaped the burglar who was stealing your heart, your life, your soul. Now close the gates, lock the doors and learn how to screen your visitors.
Another way to think of it is as if you were a piece of a beautiful sculpture. You have been chiseled, shaped and sanded by life to a certain shape of curves and angles that stand out. A narcissist has been shaped by life also with curves and angles that only receive a giver’s shape. They are a taker. And if they need to sand, chip and chisel to make you fit their shape, they will do it, all the while telling you that you were incomplete and inadequate the way you were.
When you leave them, you are still in the shape to match with another narcissist. You see this in people you may have known who unknowingly keep going to the same unhealthy relationship over and over again. Only the name of the taker changes.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can make changes so you never fit with a narcissist taker again. You don’t change the substance you are made of. But you do change some of the curves and angles, the boundaries that hold a narcissist at bay, away from you. You may add some edges where they took and some other curves where they would not give.
You choose. You build. You protect you. You form a pattern that fits with someone who is capable of a give and take relationship, someone who has the ability to really love. Someone who is safe. And a better fit for the you that you want to be and the partner you want in your life.
You might likely need someone to walk with you through learning to set those boundaries and learning to value yourself. And it will be so worth it. It’s time it was all about you for a while, don’t you think? 🙂
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