Last week I created a poster about the need to be at peace alone before we can be at peace with others ( See it here). When I finished the poster, I felt it stood alone (pun intended). But it also seemed that I should write a full post about this. Apparently, I was not alone with that thought, as a friend asked the same thing – where was the post that went with the picture.
So today here’s the post about why you need to be at peace alone before you can be at peace with someone else. Beyond the challenges and benefits that being around others brings, we can only bring into a relationship what we bring in within ourselves. So if we are not at peace, we don’t bring peace into the room, no matter who else is there.
Let’s start with how you feel about being in a room alone. Some people relish time spent alone. They recharge, refresh and rest. They may use that time to read or work on some creative activity. They may use the time to prepare for their next project or daydream about what could be.
But there are others who for many reasons, may find the thought of being alone as unsettling, anxiety-inducing, or just plain scary. They may have had bad experiences, be in a place where they don’t feel safe or they may never have learned how to enjoy their own company, reflect on their own thoughts or self-soothe to be able to calm and encourage themselves. Or they may not feel that they are “enough” and need to be with someone else, to prove their right to existence. They may be avoiding thinking about issues which are disturbing them, by keeping too busy and staying around others, in order to avoid facing themselves.
Regardless of the reason, you will never feel at ease, be able to confidently make choices or sort out who you are and what you want, until you give yourself the time and attention. All of the other “busyness” activities can be a mask to distract yourself.
When we try to fill ourselves up with others and activities, we never really feel satisfied or at peace. You never get your first choice, because you don’t know what your first choice is. You don’t find what you are looking for, in a job, a home, a friend, a mate, because you don’t know what you really want deep down. Not the superficial stuff but the characteristics that really fit with your personality. Because you don’t fully know your personality.
You may have created a sort of mask or shell of a person, that you use for quick answers, but there is no depth of understanding of your own self and desires. You are expecting someone else to fill you up when you haven’t even taken the lid off.
If you take the time to be with you, you might even find that you really can like you. Not in a selfish, entitled sort of way, but an appreciative, “comfortable in your own skin” kind of way. Then you can start to enjoy what you like about you, accept yourself – flaws and flaunts.
Although we all (or most of us) like to be encouraged, cheered and validated, you will find that until you accept yourself, you are unable to really receive compliments from others. They either roll off your back onto the floor, you zing them back to the sender as if they were poison darts, or you launch into the worn out excuses for why you don’t deserve the praise.
If you don’t accept you, you will never find that peace. If you never listen to you, why would anyone else? If you aren’t at peace with yourself, you may find you find or create drama in your life to drown out that unsettled feeling. You will never be perfect, but you don’t have to be. You don’t have to wait until you have “fixed” you in order to have peace. You just have to be. Applause comes from doing not being, peace comes from accepting and being, empowerment comes from accepting, being, then doing.
Take a deep breath and breathe. Accept that you are who you are, in this moment. Take inventory of the good, the bad and the ugly. Then accept that is who you are today. When you have accepted you, then you can decide how and where you want to move forward. Just like going on a trip, you have to know where you are in order to decide where you want to go and which way to get there.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t learn and grow and work on change. It means that you don’t have to reach some perfect image, someone else’s perfect image in order to have the peace of accepting who you are today.
You may not like some of the things you have done or not done yesterday, you can’t change that. You can only live in today. And for today, for right now, breathe in some peace. Let go of things you can’t control, people you can’t be and choose what is important today, right now. Breathe.
Now you can listen. To you, to nature, to love, to the things you choose to allow into your life. Because you have the peace. Peace with you. You aren’t scared to be just with you today. You don’t have to find a way to make sure you’re not alone today. You’re enough. And of course, you’re the only one that can really fill you up, let you believe you are enough. You need to be with others, but first you need to be with you.
Next time, we’ll talk about ways to really get to know you better, questions you can ponder. We’ll start with easy ones to get you started, sort of like when you meet someone new. You don’t jump to the big stuff first.
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Here’s the Link: http://jansmith.me/?p=1165