Why do I keep talking about Narcissists? Because their actions don’t just affect them. Otherwise, I wouldn’t say anything, live and let live.
Unfortunately, they take the pain they have endured and multiply it, wreaking trauma, self-doubt and outright emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse on those around them. Particularly on their families.
Their emotional abuse becomes like a constant dissolving of who you are and what you believe, until they no longer are interested in dealing with you. They leave you feeling like the empty egg shells you’ve been walking on for years, if you are their spouse. Or all of your life if they are your parent.
To make matters worse, the longer you are in contact with them, the more you believe that: everything is your fault, you are worthless, and you deserve the way they treat you. You may not even recognize yourself anymore, or as the doormat they are trying to form you into. Then they berate and shame you for being a doormat.
Shaming others and lack of empathy are their shiny tools, in a big bag of destruction. If someone is shooting at you, you know that you need to duck, hide and escape. When you are emotionally attacked, treated with contempt (alternated with charm to confuse you and/or get what they want) and shamed, you may not realize you need to run. So you just keep getting shot down emotionally.
Those wounds are incredibly deep. And you are left wondering “what you did wrong” to cause someone to treat you this way, because who would act like this without a reason.
The problem is, it will not make sense, you did not cause it, it’s not your fault and there is no reason other than that they are a Narcissist who feels entitled to whatever they want. And they are angry at anyone who stands in the way of their getting what they want.
It’s like asking a two year old to act with the compassion of Mother Theresa and taking it personally when they don’t. Or when they have a temper tantrum because they didn’t get what they wanted. It isn’t about what you or what you want. It’s about what they want.
I don’t mean to say that the Narcissists are not responsible for their actions, just that, like a two year old, their access to empathy and love is pretty minimal. You may see it but if it was water, it would be pretty shallow.
The more time you spend in relationship with a Narcissist, the more wounded you can become. You and your children. It is a difficult situation to navigate, but information can help the healing. And help you learn how to avoid getting into another relationship with a Narcissist.
That is what I hope for: to provide help to heal. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it. Don’t want to go there again. Don’t want you to either.
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