Second In A Series: What Life is Like With A Narcissist – Raging out of control over what?
This trait can feel very similar to the win/lose scenario. Often one leads to the other and repeats. But again, they are not grounded in reality or your action/inaction. They are a manipulation purposely and reactively used by the Narcissist.
They may REACT with rage if they feel that they have been slighted, insulted, accused or identified. Not appropriate reactions. Like using dynamite to dig a hole for a tulip bulb. Over-reactive, not acceptable, attention-getting behavior.
Or they may just start out in a rage in order to manipulate, control and scare you. Also, attention-getting behavior. Not appropriate, not acceptable, not having any relation to the situation. This is a tool that they use purposely to distract, disarm, and get their way.
They sometimes (often) rage just because they can. The power to them is exhilarating. They enjoy the drama and how it brings them attention. They also enjoy the discomfort others experience, the fear others endure and how it takes the attention away from others.
It is most certainly a double dip ice cream sundae for the Narcissist. The whipped cream and nut extras are the way this behavior makes others act and do the Narcissist’s bidding in order to avoid ever having to endure the rage again. As if that was really possible. The cherry on top – the Narcissist knows that nothing others do will stop the rage from happening again.
Those around the Narcissist may blindly and falsely believe that they are causing the behavior by their own actions, when it really is about the Narcissist and what they want at the moment. The Narcissist may observe the same behavior of others, sometimes without reaction, sometimes amused, and sometimes raging. It really depends on what the Narcissist wants from his audience/victims at the time.
But the Narcissist will allow you to or even demand you do take responsibility for the “cause” of the raging behavior. The confusion about what reaction you’ll get from the Narcissist causes the “walking on eggshells” feeling. A feeling in your gut which is stronger than the worst flu and more debilitating.
They get to act out and blame you for it. That is their general behavior and their pattern of beliefs. If they like something, they are responsible for it. If it is negative or they don’t want to admit to the behavior, they will assign that responsibility to you.
Because most of us do not enjoy pure raging anger, either by ourselves or from others, we will do everything we can to avoid it. And assume that the Narcissist does also. That is the mistake.
The Narcissist chooses rage as one of their most powerful tools while either blaming others – “if you didn’t/then I wouldn’t have” or stating that they “can’t help it, it’s just the way I am.” All the while expecting others to change their behaviors to accommodate.
So essentially, expecting reasonable thinking regarding their anger is like expecting to be able to stop the wind. It will blow you over whether you like it or not; you didn’t start it, you can’t stop it. The only control you have is to get out of the wind’s reach.
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