We hear so much about addictions today and programs to help people stop doing drugs, drinking alcohol, control their shopping or pornography binges. There are even programs to help those who are in close relationship with someone who is addicted to alcohol.
What if your addiction is to being needed? You can be the person people turn to when in need. You can help people get their lives back on track. You can be the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear or even the one who always shows up with a casserole during difficult times. We all hope to have people like that in our lives, especially when going through a crisis.
But what if you are that person all of the time? What if it not only is about being kind and helping others? What if your only validation and self-worth come when you are helping someone? What if it’s moved beyond helping in crisis to enabling behaviors in others and blocking learning from consequences?
Sometimes we are so much in need of validation and significance that we can move past helping others. Sometimes we begin functioning for them. Sometimes in trying to protect them from the pain of consequences we build a barrier to the only thing that will drive a change in their behavior. For instance, if I know that leaving dirty dishes in the sink will eventually lead to someone else doing them, there is not really much incentive for me to wash them. I may become less and less motivated to do them. But I may also feel guilty for slacking. So although I may not want to do the dishes, I may feel I should do them. This can lead to my becoming angry at you for doing the dishes and allowing me to continue slacking. You have enabled my behavior by doing what I am able and responsible to do.
As an “addicted to being needed” trait, I will look for more and more ways that I can do things for others that will bring me the validation I need. I have moved beyond just wanting to help and enjoying the gift of helping others. I have moved to being motivated to help because I need other’s accolades and thankfulness in order to justify my own existence.
I may not even recognize this in myself. But it may lead me to subconsciously bring a lot of drama into my life. Often by spending a time with those who are not taking responsibility for themselves. Especially those who are by nature “takers” and ungrateful or who seem to continually make choices that bring crises into their lives. And that feeds my need to step in and rescue. This can happen by making excuses for loved ones’ behavior, calling them in sick, or doing their projects for them, to commiserating with others and supporting their behaviors by bailing them out of circumstances they could and should be handling.
I certainly don’t mean that we should not lend a helping hand! We all need that at one time or another. I know I certainly have. But I am talking about keeping people from learning the lessons that will help them in the future. Some things we have to learn on our own. I’m talking about things like paying the bills for someone who is gambling all of their money away. You have just taught them that if they act badly, it will reward them. And you are feeding your own need to be needed, at the expense of someone else’s maturity.
For instance, if we carried our children around until they were 10 or 12, trying to save them from ever falling down, (because it hurt us to see it) they would never learn to walk. Their muscles and bones would not become strong, they would not learn balance and independence. So at 12 years old the child would be incapable of walking, running, exploring, being independent. You would have fed your need to be needed rather than their need to be responsible for themselves and learning.
You would have crippled them physically and emotionally, as they would expect that the only way they could get what they want was if someone else could provide it. Because as opposed to someone who could not walk and had to learn to cope in creative ways and working with others when they needed help, you took someone who could walk and stopped them from using their abilities.
That’s what happens when our need to be needed takes over. And just like any addiction, it grows. It takes more and more to satisfy that need. People won’t be as appreciative as we think they should be. They will become independent and not need us. Or worse, they will become less dependent and angry with us. We become frustrated and feel unappreciated.
That’s the difference between doing good to help, and needing to do good to prop up our self-image. The dependence on others’ dependence and gratitude, like any addiction, becomes bondage. But as always, information and self-examination can be freeing.
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