I was reading a blog post by a skilled colleague today about when to apologize, why and what a real apology should be (http://www.mathiskennington.com/blog/2015/6/14/the-only-2-reasons-to-say-im-sorry ). It reminded me about one of the huge red flags that we experience when in relationship or even just encountering an N (someone with Narcissistic tendencies or a Narcissistic Personality Disorder). These are the Rules of Engagement for Apologies and Treatment of Apology Requesters (that’s you) from the Narcissist’s point of view.
Rules of Engagement for Apologies and Treatment of Apology Requesters
- Do not apologize – ever! Everything is a win/lose situation. Nothing is too small to qualify as a win/lose argument. If you apologize or heaven-forbid – take responsibility for something – Automatic Lose! (One exception – use as an emergency ploy to get what you want/get you out of a lecture – then do what you want anyway.)
- If you cannot follow rule # 1 – make it a non-apology – “I’m sorry you BUT if you hadn’t” thus turning the guilt back on the Apology Requester. No validity – no point for the win.
- Punish the Apology Requester! Become enraged and take the focus off of them, put it back on yourself by pontificating (better word???) about how their accusing you of doing something wrong or hurting their feelings, has so wounded you and insulted you and on, and on, and on. Keep this bluster up until the other person is willing to apologize to you just to get out of the argument, preferably while they are in tears. You Win!
Remember, These Are Their Thoughts, Not Yours.
Remember, these are their thoughts, not yours. You will be busy running for cover and wondering what the heck happened. This is where their bonus points come in. Not only have they avoided the apology, emotionally wounded you and once again, gotten you to take the responsibility for the problem, they have left you totally off kilter.
You Are Left Even More Wounded Than Before
You are left even more wounded than before, trained NOT to ask for an apology, and you descend in to a deeper level of thinking you are the crazy one.
You are wondering how in the world you could be so mean to upset them so much that they would go into that much of a rage. You are wondering how you went from stating your feelings, to being accused of everything wrong in the world.
You’re wondering which way is up, how did their behavior become your fault, and what did you do to deserve that tornado of trauma. And for heaven’s sake, how do you avoid it in the future.
You Have Just Learned Another Lesson in Numbing and Stuffing.
You have just learned another lesson in numbing and stuffing. You must numb your feelings and stuff both feelings and thoughts because “obviously” you are wrong, stupid and inept with “ridiculous” requests and standards of expectations for your N.
Besides, you now know that you can only ask them to change, when you have the right to do so, by being a “better” wife/husband, son/daughter, friend/employee – which is really code for when you are perfect. Perfect by changing standards which are random and unknowable by you. You have been taught that you DO NOT DESERVE an apology. You learn not to go there again.
Yet another behavior to excuse or pretend doesn’t exist: “well yes, he doesn’t apologize, but……”
Chewed up and spit out, once again!
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