Life After A Narcissist

 

 

Stockholm syndrome is actually a way of coping when someone is in an abusive situation where they feel they have no control and/or may believe that they cannot safely leave the abuser. It functions like a pair of invisible handcuffs. It keeps you circling with no exit (Narcissist Merry-Go-Round).

 

From the outside, others frequently do not understand how the victim does not “recognize and just walk away.” However, most of those people have not been in a life where you have been bullied and abused constantly into believing that you have no choice. You are carefully manipulated, threatened and shamed in to believing that you have no power, that you deserve the abuse and that you will fail if you leave.

 

This abuse by the one that is supposed to love, cherish and protect you causes a contradiction which disables function for the victim. Then you add the fear that if you try to leave, you may be harmed, that the abuser’s threats will be true – that you will be alone, penniless, friendless, unloved, homeless, unemployed, and on and on.

 

So you are stuck in a traumatic contradiction that your loved one is your victimizer. And the traumatic contradiction that if you leave “the only one who cares about you” or “puts up with you” (as the Narcissist keeps telling you), you will be in an even worse situation. Some Narcissists will add physical threats to the mix, threatening you and/or people you love. So you are left with the belief that there is no safe place, with staying being the safer place, according to what you know.

 

Dealing with these contradictions is more than the mind can handle, so a way to cope must be employed. This is where the Stockholm Syndrome comes in, employing the belief that your abuser does really care about you and is taking care of you, even by “punishing” you for things you do wrong.

 

You may begin to feel panic at the thought of leaving or someone intervening. The logical threats have been compartmentalized and put away, so you don’t have to attend to them but the uneasiness, the trauma, the fear still manifests, even though you may not consciously know why. This then shows up, as not only not leaving the abuser but protecting and glorifying them. Those who would help you leave seem to be the bad guys at this point. Your Narcissist validates that belief.

 

Because the Narcissist’s agenda is to control, abuse, manipulate and victimize their victim, the Stockholm Syndrome type of coping feeds into their active agenda, empowering them.

 

Someone who is experiencing Stockholm Syndrome due to the abuse and control  from the Narcissist(s) in their life, then is sadly unlikely to feel emotionally driven or empowered to seek relief. They will in fact, believe they have brought this on themselves and is as it should be.

 

All the while, the trauma and contradictions are likely to drive the need for more ways of coping, such as numbing, dissociating, depression, addictions, isolating, and the lack of ability to enjoy life or activities.

 

Compounding the problem is that due to lack of information about recognizing Narcissistic Abusers, it can be difficult to find someone to stand with the victim if they do make a move to leave. There are some people out there who do see what the Narcissist is doing.

 

And a therapist who is familiar with this type of abuse can be of tremendous help. You need to ask for someone who is experienced with Narcissistic Victim Abuse. This is a new title currently coming in to use for people who have been in traumatic relationships with Narcissists.

 

The term is not so important as having someone who has more experience working with Narcissists and understanding how their behaviors look and affect their victims. Since Narcissists can present as charming and credible, you want someone is familiar with looking behind the image, someone who understands the trauma they cause.

 

If you know someone who may be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with their Narcissistic Abuser, please don’t get disgusted and write them off. Know that right now, this seems to them, like the only viable way of coping and living. Be caring, be supportive of them and be there if they see the keys to the cuffs with an open door.

 

 

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