It seems like following your dreams, making good choices, moving forward in your life, they all should be linear, positive, happy times. You should be ecstatic (or at least pleased) when you see that circumstances are lining up to fulfill your long awaited desires.
So why am I flitting between happy and sad, excited and scared? Well, before all these new activities in my life started happening, I had other things in my life. Things that I am also having trouble letting go of. Things I’m having trouble saying goodbye to, missing already or shuffling through all the regrets of things done/not done.
It’s not like I can really go back and change the past or even stop change. But moving ahead feels like letting go of so many things, including the hopes, wishes and desires from long ago.
One of those things is the life lived with children. Although, all through my children’s youth, I dreamed of them enjoying their lives, reaching toward goals of their own, and following their dreams, now that dreaming time is yesterday. And I miss those days. I miss getting to spend hours and hours every day with them. I miss helping them. I miss listening to them. I miss them.
Not that I want them to be stuck in childhood, or that I don’t want to follow my own dreams and goals for this time in my life. But it makes me sad that I can never make their childhood better or that I didn’t understand more. I miss the hope that tomorrow is another day to do better in their childhood. That door is closed and their childhood is done. Along with so many things left undone. And things I wish weren’t done.
So as I am sorting through their toys and mementos that I’ve held on to, I am sad, even though they are just where they should be – adults living their lives, following their dreams.
And I try to remember not to stay there too long. I try to remember to look for the value of today. Because soon it will be tomorrow’s yesterday; I don’t want to add the regret of another day not well lived. Because standing still won’t bring back yesterday, it will only steal the future.
Last, I look toward tomorrow. To the goals, hopes and reality that is part today, part tomorrow. I am where I am supposed to be. I am sad and I am happy. I am going in the right direction, wherever that is.
It’s okay to cry and smile. It’s going to be a good day.
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