We’ve all experienced shame at one time or another. It’s an awful feeling, beyond guilt and sadness. Guilt is knowing we have done something wrong and taking the responsibility for it. This can lead to growth and change.
But Shame is a different animal. It isn’t about that you did something bad or wrong or different. It’s about imposing the acid cloud of destruction, the belief that you are a bad person. It is the difference between telling a child who has stolen a toy, “you made a bad choice that will have consequences” and “you are a bad kid, you will never amount to anything.” One teaches, one destroys.
We have all experienced others putting their opinions or judgment on us, declaring us to have been shameful. It is a label not easily washed away, like the tar they use on roads, sticking to the sides of your car and declaring where you have been.
Worse, many of us have picked up the position of Chief Shamer in our own lives. We have started where others have left, leaving us wounded and humiliated. Then we decide to take it to a supposedly, righteously deeper level.
If we think we deserve to be shamed, we think we deserve it more toxically, more often and just plain more of it. So every time we aren’t perfect, we make accusing, shaming remarks to ourselves. “Why are you so stupid? What were you thinking? You are always a screw-up! No one would want you! You shouldn’t even try – you can never so anything right!”
And because these remarks are coming from someone who should know us the best, love us the most, and tell us the truth – we take it in wholly. Like guzzling down a pitcher of caustic cleanser and wondering why we are in pain. Someone we should be able to trust, has wounded us, maybe parents, teachers, friends, or loved ones. But most of all, our constant companion and wise guide – us!
What if, instead of pouring on the toxic language, you spoke to yourself like a loving friend. What if you owned your behaviors and mistakes, understood the situation, but didn’t shame yourself. Maybe this would leave you with enough energy and power to grow and learn.
So for instance, if you accidentally backed into someone’s car door, instead of ranting and ruminating, name-calling, shaming, and insulting, what if you supported you. Maybe it would sound like this: Wow! That’s scary! I can’t believe I hit that car. It’s a good thing I have insurance. I’ve been so stressed and distracted lately. I’m usually a very careful driver. I’m so frustrated that this happened. I guess it’s time I did something to reduce my stress and help me focus. Maybe some exercise. Maybe even a nap.”
What would it be like to accept that you are human and not heap shame on you like that? What would it be like to not take on that shame from others either? What is something you could stop shaming yourself about today.
You can be responsible without being shamed. And many things, you aren’t even responsible for. Don’t add shame to your burden, there’s enough weight to carry in life.
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