Shame, Blame, and Guilt. We have all used, abused or been hijacked by these at some time. And they are often used correctly and incorrectly, interchanging them and projecting them on others. Maybe you’ve even been shamed and guilted into blaming yourself for someone else’s feelings or actions. It’s confusing – we blame the dog for being guilty of something by saying “shame on you!” So what’s the difference?
Let’s start with Blame. There is the assumption that this is used to mean being responsible for some bad action. We even connect it to our righteously assigning guilt to someone else or someone else unrighteously trying to hang guilt on us. How many times have we said or heard things like “you make me so mad”. Or the ever popular identical twins, “you always” and “you never” which are the intro to dumping a truckload of blame on someone. Let’s face it, when you turn to those twins, you are way past wanting cooperative discussion and compromise. You want someone to throw themselves at your feet taking all the blame, shame, and guilt that you can shovel out.
Now blame is usually found hanging out with guilt and shame but as you can see, is a slippery player. He is very good at the dodge and weave, but leaves a dark spot on anyone he touches.
As for twins, this set is more like fraternal twins. They look very similar but no more than any other set of siblings. Yes, we’re talking about guilt and shame. They are often interchanged. In fact, if you look up shame in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it uses the word guilt and the ability to know and feel bad about what you have done. However, in our society now, even though they are used similarly they mean different things.
Guilt is the recognition of, taking responsibility for and feeling bad about actions we have done or thought, that we understand are wrong. Or at least not in keeping with the person we want to believe we are.
This could be anything from stealing to avoiding what we said we would do, to not living up to the standards of honesty and integrity or compassion that we believe are our standard. You may feel guilty for hurting someone’s feelings or if you take credit for someone else’s work. You did something you know to be wrong, you know it is your fault and take responsibility for it, you feel bad about it. And hopefully, you do something to try to make amends. After you have apologized, replaced, whatever it takes, you regret what you did.
But if you have done what you can, you attempt to not do it again and eventually forgive yourself. That is what the amends and hopefully, reconciliation is for. The debt cannot always be paid that easily. You did something wrong or bad but you are not a bad person. Guilt serves to guide learning and healing, along with character growth and wisdom. It isn’t to go on endlessly and it is to help you.
Shame is like Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters. Shame these days is more often, actually a form of false guilt. It does not heal. It does not reconcile and it does not end. It is not so much about what you did but who you are. Shame is about making you feel you are a bad, stupid, ugly, inadequate, hopeless, useless, and guilty.
Shame is about taking a mistake or accident or bad choice that you have made and removing any hope of owning and repairing. Once you do something “wrong” you will always be “less than” because “that is all you can ever be, why even try.” It literally is focused on taking away any motivation to do better.
Rather it is about keeping you locked into failure, as a person. Even for things you didn’t do/did do, have no control over, aren’t even wrong. Such as “you are so ugly” because you are”: short/tall/skinny/fat, a bad housekeeper, a bad cook, only a housekeeper, whatever ridiculous thought that comes up or is put on you by someone else.
So Blame is usually about shaming someone else, or even yourself. Or at the least, a bad way of trying to force someone to take responsibility for actions you feel they are avoiding. The exception is when you own up to your actions and confess, taking the blame for something you have done.
Guilt hurts for a while but can be healing and empowering. We feel better when we have “paid our debt.” It is a sign that we actually have a conscience and empathy, choosing to do right by our actions.
Shame is about convincing someone that they are worthless and should lock themselves in an emotional cell for discouragement and depression for the rest of their life, for being human. Growing up under a banner of shame can propel people into self-damaging behaviors, lack of healthy boundaries and self-care, along with difficulty identifying relationships with toxic and/or selfish people.
Often a person who feels a heavy burden of shame will be trying to prove they are worthwhile by doing for others. And who likes that better than anyone, someone with narcissistic traits. Narcissists are looking for someone to spend all their time trying to please the narcissist. Shaming or false guilt puts you in a very vulnerable position along with limiting your compassion and self-compassion, always looking for ways to validate your existence.
Maybe it’s time for a new look at the shame holding you back. You might find you’re not as “less than” as you think. Ready for a new perspective? Take a step back from the shaming mantra. Maybe you’re really not to blame. Or if you are, take the guilt and grow. Then let go of shaming and being shamed.
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