Most human traits aren’t good or bad, right or wrong. It’s better to think of them as being on a line or a continuum. At one end would be having no amount of the trait at all. And the other end would be an extreme amount of that trait; either end, possibly overwhelmingly affecting someone’s life.
In this instance, talking about selfishness, let’s use the term self-focused for a moment instead. So someone at the end where very little Self-Focus is found, might be so disinterested in themselves that they don’t take care of their own needs. They might not eat, dress or care for their body as they should, due to lack of interest or not feeling they deserve it. They may put other’s needs ahead of their own, to the point of it not being healthy or balanced. This can be physical or emotional.
Moving along the line, we would get to people in the really big range of average or “normal” amounts of self-focus. Most of us generally move within a range on that line.
Toward the other end of the continuum, are the people who spend much more time and energy being self-focused. They’re less likely to prioritize or care about others needs, since their focus is on getting their own desires met.
As children we start pretty far down the line toward self-focus and move toward the center as we mature. However, some people stay there or move farther into self focus or selfishness. This can even be to the point where they are rarely or never interested in other people beyond what they, the Seriously Selfish Person or SSP can get out of it.
As we all tend too, they think that everyone thinks just like them and they expect others to act like them, using people. They usually even feel that their exceptionally selfish behavior is appropriate and admirable.
The farther down the line of selfishness, the less likely they will feel bad about using others for their own needs, or hurting someone else’s feelings.
To them, the world ‘s focus really does revolve around them. Somewhere around this end of the line, you will find people who could be or might be diagnosed as a Narcissist.
Although, SSP‘s and Narcissists tend to cause a lot of crises, chaos and emotional pain, they rarely see this as a problem or see a counselor. This is because they truly believe that the problems belong to everyone else – not them.
Therefore, in their eyes, since they do not have the problem, they do not need a counselor. The joke – “Be reasonable, do it my way” is not a joke to them but makes total sense.
So, why do you care? Because SSP‘s aren’t generally content to practice their selfishness alone. Instead, they want all of their needs and many wants, including massive quantities of admiration, compliments and compliance, to be met by those around them.
In other words, you and me. And they don’t believe they need to reciprocate. Or at least not to any great extent, and not in a balanced way.
They believe they deserve this, so anger roars when they don’t get what they want. Sort of reminds me of how a two year old acts when they don’t get their way. It’s the same thought process, “I want what I want when I want it!”
These are people whose selfish focus leads to problems in personal and work relationships. This can be anything from not doing their job and expecting you to do it for them, to your own career and pay losses due to lack of promotions if it doesn’t somehow benefit an SSP supervisor/manager.
It can become horrific in personal relationships with ruined holidays, loss of self esteem to even infidelity and abuse, physical, verbal and emotional. Because you may not expect someone to treat you and others selfishly, you can get blindsided, become collateral damage or end up in an emotionally devastating relationship.
That’s why it’s important to know how to identify an SSP. Next time we’ll talk about some ways to deal with an SSP and what to expect.
This is the 3rd in a series about Seriously Selfish People (SSP‘s) To read Part one or Part two. Feel free to discuss how you have been affected by an SSP or how you dealt with one, over on my Facebook page – Click here.