What does it feel like being in a relationship with a Narcissist or Seriously Selfish Person (SSP), even the description is intense and painful. It starts out in a whirlwind of fun and excitement till you are hooked emotionally. Then it quickly changes for the dark. It feels:
Emotionally wrecking: like being taken blindfolded to an unknown destination, the door to the building is opened, you’re dropped off somewhere in the buildings’ interior, your blindfold is slightly loosened, the lights go dark, and you’re given a shove to start you trying to move forward through a massive maze of dust, cobwebs and things to trip over.
You feel like you have totally lost your bearings and perspective.
All the while you’re trying to find your way through this maze, someone somewhere is talking to you. With what seems like a familiar voice (but couldn’t be because it sounds like someone you thought was trustworthy or cared about you), the voice is sarcastic, contemptuous and patronizing.
The voice keeps saying things like: Really!? Is that the best you can do? Hurry up, why are you taking so long?! Why did you do it that way? I thought you were smarter than that. Why didn’t you…. and so on. Sadly, you realize it is your SSP.
It feels so stressful, it feels physical – like: falling down, hurting yourself, bleeding, and finding that those things are just more ammunition for the taunting voice.
The tears, your tears – bring more humiliation or stone cold silence followed closely by rage. Every day is lived in crisis mode, walking on eggshells.
The only way to survive this continual chaos, is to do two things: 1.turn cold and numb & 2. realize and verbalize that everything thing is always your fault and you are wrong. No matter what.
Sadly, although this is the coping mechanism, it won’t always work.
Because sometimes the voice will be kind and inviting, drawing you in with compliments and charisma. Then just as quickly, you’re back to the dank, dungeon of disowning, insults, shame and possibly danger.
In a carnival, mazes and roller coasters can be fun, but this is your life. You lose your way, your sense of direction, your perspective and even your self confidence.
You may find you don’t trust yourself to make decisions, hemming and hawing over the littlest things. You may find that you no longer need that voice to insult you – now your own voice does it too. You may find you have given up your voice and your power.
If you’ve ever felt like you had found yourself in the confusing and painful relationship with a Seriously Selfish Person (SSP) or a Narcissist, what did you do?
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