Red Flags In Relationships, What To Look For, What To Run From
Look for kindness to people and in situations that do not benefit the bestower of the kindness. Keep in mind that doing these acts in front of people, especially you may be genuine but they may be for others (or your) benefit. Look for a pattern of treating people kindly on a regular basis, across circumstances, including others and you. In other words, their way of interacting with the world 99% of the time, even on bad days, even when they don’t feel good, even when there is no one observing. If it seems random or self-serving (happens mostly in front of people who can validate them or when they know you’re watching) this is a RED FLAG.
Look for a pattern of being irritated that they are not being treated: right, well enough, as quickly as they should, as the smart/important/talented/important person that they are. This is a RED FLAG with the subtitle “Run!” This is a very important example of someone who is selfish, entitled and expects others to bow to their desires. Selfishness is a BIG RED FLAG. You are not going to enlighten or fix them.
Look for instant gratification, particularly in the speed of the relationship. Instead of learning what you have in common/disagree on as a normal path of getting to know someone, this relationship seems to be on the track for fastest pairing ever. This is not just about speed towards sex but statements early on about how “you were made for each other, I’ve never met anyone like you, it’s like you know me better than I know myself, you make me feel whole (or some similar adjective), you’re the only one who’s ever made me feel like this (or understood me or…), you’re perfect.” These are all the types of emotions and relationships that take time to build, or are just wholly unrealistic. If it feels too good to be true and/or too fast – it probably is. This isn’t a flavor of ice cream, these are humans with lots of facets of personalities; it takes time to really get to know someone. If you’re being rushed, it’s likely to get you hooked before you begin to pick up on the cracks in the foundation. You’re probably a great person but not likely to be a saint and living on a pedestal doesn’t last for long. This is a RED FLAG that you at least need to slow things way down and give yourself time to discover the true person, but more likely you need to get out and look for a more mature person with realistic relationship ideals.
Lies. That’s a done deal RED FLAG. If they are lying to you and you accept it by staying, expect more. RUN. You don’t need to be treated with that kind of disrespect.
Cheating: If you have been in a long, long term relations such as married for twenty years, you may want to weigh the relationship with a marriage counselor to see if you want to work on saving the marriage. However, if this is not a long and proven relationship, and especially if this is within the first ten years of a relationship or marriage – this is another BIG RED FLAG. If this is while you are still dating or in the first few years of marriage – SUPER BIG RED FLAG – Run Faster.
If you notice your partner treats everyone else kinder than you, seems nicer when you are around others than when you’re alone. RED FLAG. This is the type of behavior a Narcissist displays. Or at least someone who is not strong enough to be the same person consistently and treat you with care and respect no matter who’s around. Listen to the message that you’re not that important. Move on to someone who does think you’re important.
If they are only interested when they want something, you’re doing what they want/going where they want or you’re benefitting them in some way – with attention, validation, drama, this is a RED FLAG. Time to move on.
If you find yourself defending the person you are dating or in a relationship with, by using the following type of comments, BIG RED FLAG. Re-assess, re-think, start running. Statements or excuses like: “well he/she is better than the last person I was with, at least they don’t (fill in blank – with bad behavior) or “if I didn’t (make them mad/fail at/fill in your behavior) than they wouldn’t (fill in their bad behavior). Or “they only do (bad behavior) sometimes.” These are all flags that should have you putting on your running shoes. 2 pounds of manure is better than 10 but it still stinks! And everyone past the age of consent is responsible for their own choices. They can choose to do the right thing but they didn’t. You can choose to be with people who treat you with respect and not this type of behavior. Run from this RED FLAG.
If they never apologize, never own their behavior, blame you for the problems or try to make you feel crazy for thinking there is a problem – RED FLAG. RUN!
But don’t just run. Start looking for people who aren’t red flags. Look for people who are genuine and caring, thoughtful and considerate. People who are compassionate and helpful every day, not just occasionally. You don’t need or want RED FLAGS in your important relationships. You need to be valued and loved every day, in a healthy way.
If you find it is difficult to make the choices to only be with people who treat you with kindness, gentleness and respect, work with a therapist to help you make choices you can be happy with. If you’re more afraid to be alone than mistreated, therapy can definitely help. You’ll thank yourself for going.
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