Powerful instruction is not shaming. It shows you what went wrong and specifically instructs you on how to do it right, encouraging you that you can do this. Or it encourages you to find a better way that works for you. Encouraging you to look forward and keep trying.
Shaming focuses on what you did wrong in the past. It states that you have been that way and will continue to be that way because you cannot do better. It makes you feel bad not for what you did but who you are.
Shaming is another way to control you with words, such as continually questioning why you did this when you should have done that, to the point that you know whatever you do, it won’t be “right.” Whatever you cleaned, cooked, fixed, etc. will be the wrong thing, you should have done something else. After the discussion you feel emotionally shamed, inept, useless and maybe hopeless.
When you think about it, what motivates you more long term: shame and humiliation leading to a feeling of constant and long term failure? Or encouragement that you can succeed, training you to reach forward to what you want. Encouragement which validates you are valuable as a person regardless but that you deserve to seek fulfilling actions and growth.
And guess what? Not only does it feel good to receiving that kind of encouragement and validation, it feels great to give it to. Not the namby-pamby competition award for participating. But the kind of encouragement and validation that acknowledges that your life is a gift, that you are a gift as a human being.
And with that gift, you need and deserve to seek to treat yourself with compassion and kindness. You also deserve to stretch yourself and grow in your skills and gifts. You need it and so does the rest of the world. You need you to be you and so do we.
Unwrap the gift that is you. Start by accepting your life as a gift. Then look for others who will value you, challenge you and emotionally support you. Sometimes you start by doing that for others, and those people will show up for you. Happy Birth-Day to you! Whatever day it is.
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