This week was the first time I ever identified myself as a Domestic Violence Survivor. I re-posted a pic on Facebook, regarding Domestic Violence Awareness. I was surprised at how difficult that was for me to say.
I was surprised at how much I wondered what others would think of me, since I never felt I was the traditional (whatever that means) “doormat” stereotype. I was surprised that even though I absolutely know, professionally AND personally, that emotional abuse IS abuse, that I still felt I needed to confirm that in writing by searching for domestic violence definitions.
For someone else, I would have agreed in a heartbeat. For myself, I wondered if I was being “too sensitive.” And by the way, emotional abuse IS listed literally, in the government descriptions as a form of domestic abuse, you need not be ashamed of the possible lack of physical bruises. How’s that for a crazy sentence; the crazy of abuse.
I was surprised that even though I “knew” it wasn’t my fault, I still felt embarrassed and shamed. After over a decade of knowing that my significant other had been abusive, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of abuse. I thought of him as abusive, but not me as “abused.”
I don’t think of myself as a victim. Because I choose not to. Abuse may have happened to me but I will NOT be a victim and live in that role.
On the flip side of not being a victim, is the self-punishment emotionally for “choosing” an abusive relationship. Sometimes we continue to abuse ourselves, even after getting away from our abuser. That has been an ongoing battle.
I struggled for many years with how I could have “been stupid” enough to not see this. I have also worked with clients who felt they must have done something wrong to deserve that kind of treatment from someone. Both of those perspectives continue “abusing the abused.” We just take over the abuser role.
Although taking ownership of our choices and actions is healthy, there is a line between our responsibility and other’s actions. The Narcissistic Abuser reinforces that idea that you are responsible for their actions. You’re Not!
I repeat: You Are Not!
Remember: Your control only extends to the tips of your fingers. Past that everyone makes their own decisions.
So when you recognize that you are in a bad situation, when you recognize that you are being abused, then you are starting up the road of being an Overcomer!
As you make changes and learn, as you get out of that abusive dance, as you walk away from being a “victim” – you ARE an OVERCOMER!
As Maya Angelou and others have said: when you know better, you do better. Learn it, speak it, live it, overcome it.
Speak it so you hear your story of victory. Speak it so others can learn too. Speak it to celebrate your freedom. Speak it to mark a line in the sand of when you became an Overcomer, and not an anonymous one. Speak it so others can be encouraged and strengthened by your story.
Let go of the victim role; keep the overcomer role. It will grow with you. No shame included.
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