One of the greatest gifts I ever received was when I finally realized I was not crazy, narcissists are real, abusive and I knew way too many of them. I had believed everything going wrong in my marriage was my fault.
I believed I was an incredible failure as a wife, as a mom, as a human being. I certainly had my part and was far from perfect. But I was not responsible for someone else’s behavior. And I didn’t have to be perfect before I counted as a valuable human being.
Although it was hard to believe that someone I loved that much could be that selfish and cruel, at least, I no longer felt hopeless. I was no longer stuck, wondering what I was supposed to do to fix everything. I finally realized I wasn’t guilty for what he was doing. Or not doing. And I couldn’t fix him.
I finally realized that I had to start setting boundaries to protect myself. I realized that I needed to accept myself. I needed to give myself mercy and compassion; the things I was pouring out to others but never a drop for myself.
I found the beginning of information that opened the door of emotional freedom for me. And I wanted to share that key of freedom with others who were suffering as I was. Those who had lost their perspective and their self-confidence, who also were being punished for being too open, too trusting, too hard on themselves. I wanted to strengthen in myself and encourage in others that they needed to listen to their gut, their intuition. And not to ignore the red flags, assuming that we were wrong.
I also wanted to encourage myself and others to stop ignoring our own needs by trying to “fix” others, fixating on their needs and problems. I wish that I had gone to a counselor years ago. I could have become stronger sooner. I could have addressed why I kept getting into relationships with people who took advantage of me. I only saw that he had and was causing great problems in our home. I saw no hope other than him changing. I felt hopeless and helpless.
Although it was true that he was causing great pain, and there were issues only he could deal with, I had to find out why I would stay with someone who treated me so poorly. Because the only thing I could fix or change was me.
Because of the relief I felt, when I finally was validated, I wanted to share that gift with others who were in that emotional prison. That’s why I keep writing. I want the information to be out there, so that when someone needs it, they can find it. I spent decades looking for it. And didn’t find it until I was training to become a counselor.
If you need this information, you shouldn’t have to wait that long. You don’t have to be in that pain all your life. Or have it affect your children by thinking that is what normal relationships look like. You can learn how to never get into an intimate relationship with a narcissist again. Or how to get out of the one you might be in now.
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