There’s lots of talk about being a Narcissist these days. Most people think that means you take a lot of selfies, spend a lot of time in front of the mirror and are obsessed with how you look and what you wear.
Well, yes and no. Some of those things may be done by Narcissists, but they may not. And if you’re talking about adolescents – well, all bets are off – it’s part our culture. In fact, it is part of some cultures to protect your image at all costs. But there is more to being a narcissist than just protecting your image, such as their predominant lack of empathy. Today we’re just talking about the image obsession.
So what does it really mean when they talk about a Narcissist and their focus on their image? It’s more about an exaggerated need to be perceived by others in a certain way; as the “best” or smartest or very often, about being right. Or whatever they have chosen as the “correct” image is.
Everyone wants to be well thought of. But someone who has moved to a more extreme level of narcissistic traits takes criticism or disagreeing with them as a direct insult. They may take on every disagreement as a win/lose battle; not wanting to “lose” and have that tarnish their “image.”
So they very rarely, if ever apologize and will argue incessantly over insignificant details. The option to “agree to disagree” often does not exist in their mind. Because they believe if you disagree with them, you are saying they are wrong and therefore inferior/stupid, so they must protect their image. They may do this by arguing, personal insults, playing the martyr or ignoring you all together.
Another way to protect their image, or what they believe others think of them, is to tell whatever story (i.e. lying) seems helpful at the time. This of course means that lying becomes an art they practice often. If you point out their lie, they will often state that they “never said that,” were only joking, or start another argument to steer you away from the discussion.
Their perceived image, what they think others think of them, is so important to them that they are willing to lose friends, family and just about everything in their life to make sure it stays “golden.” As one person who was an extreme Narcissist told me, he “wore a mask, behind a mask, behind a mask” to make sure that others saw only what he wanted them to see about him.
That was the most important thing in his life – his image. Unfortunately, his image had little to do with who he really was or how poorly he treated others. In his mind, he needed to protect that lie at all cost, and keep others at a distance so they could not see behind the masks.
Sometimes the image they are working so hard to project to acquaintances, is that of a “hero” . But at home, to people who care about them, they may be a totally different person, not willing to be their hero.
Do you have someone in your life who is extremely concerned with how others think of them, but yet not caring if they hurt those who really do care about them? You may be dealing with someone who is farther down the continuum line of narcissistic tendencies. They may believe that life is really “all about them” and their image.
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