As I’ve talked about before, I have been in relationship with a significant other who was pretty far down the continuum of Narcissistic traits, a poster child for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Actually I have had lots of Narcissists in my life. I didn’t realize that, for many years though. I just knew that daily life was harsh, hard and painful. That was my “normal.” I had a lot to process when I finally was out of that situation.
In fact, once you have been in, and hopefully escaped, from an abusive relationship with a Narcissist, you have a lot of thoughts and feelings to address. As you are grieving and processing, one scary thought will keep popping up, like the Freddy character in horror movies. “How do I keep from doing this again? How do I NOT end up in an intimate relationship with a Narcissist again? I don’t know how I got there in the first place.”
To avoid another abusive relationship with a Narcissist, start with two basic but very important things – 1. Learning to protect your heart and 2. Allowing time to “proof” the dough.
To do the first – valuing your heart, means that you must both value your heart (yourself) and set up a system/routine of behaviors to protect this very valuable and irreplaceable treasure – including the gift of your love and trust.
Don’t give away free keys and the security code by telling someone you barely know, what you need to hear in order to be swept off your feet. They need to earn that knowledge by getting to know you and actually listening to you. You need to value and guard your heart- self/life/love, like you would the Hope Diamond.
You wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) allow others to come in and take your social security number/checkbook/credit cards without proving them to be trustworthy. Very few would be allowed that closeness. You would want to have known them for a long time – to have had time to prove their trustworthiness. Just because someone is likable or fun, doesn’t mean they are trustworthy with valuables.
You would start with small tests of trust. You would NOT give them the benefit of the doubt – Trust MUST be earned. You Prove trust not distrust. In other words, they must prove that they are worthy to have the keys to the kingdom. They are NOT given the keys to the kingdom with the hope that they DON’T prove to be not trustworthy. As they say Trust is EARNED.
And when they act in a manner that is not trustworthy – believe what they are telling you. If someone is lying to you, they are telling you not to trust them. Believe them, their actions (or lack of actions) can speak volumes.
You – your life, your love, your emotions, your self-esteem – are worth more than your checking account. Your relationships will affect you even more than your checking account. Same process – Trust must be earned. Desperateness, naiveté and esteeming other’s opinions/feelings higher than your own, will lead you to let people into your heart that should never even be in your yard. Or at least not past the porch. Learn who is safe and trustworthy. And who is not.
This valuing and protecting yourself includes setting physical and emotional boundaries. Boundaries are not mean, they are to protect you from people who would hurt you. It’s like locking your front door, you do it to stay safe from harm. And you get to choose who you unlock and open the door to.
Second, you must “proof” or prove the dough. This is a baker’s term that has been around for a long time. It refers to the process of allowing the time it takes for bread dough to rise. The bread has had all of the ingredients put in. But the only way to find out if the yeast is valuable/good/useful, is to wait for it to rise as it is supposed to. If it doesn’t, the bread will be useless, tasteless, and hard as a rock.
There is no way to really rush the process, you can provide a warm place to enhance the process but that only aids the time needed. It does not happen quickly. And sometimes when an over-zealous baker tries to speed up the process, they can actually kill the yeast. Then dough never rises. It takes the time it takes to get to size it needs to be. And the raising is what gives the texture that the bread is supposed to have.
Frequently, a Narcissist will try to rush a relationship. They will often make statements to the effect that you are the only person who really understands them or that you are the only one for them. These statements may happen very early in the relationship. They may want to move quickly toward living together or even getting married. It may seem flattering, but when someone is rushing you, there’s usually a reason, something they don’t want you to see.
For the Narcissist putting on the show of the “greatest thing that ever happened to you”, they know they can only keep up the charade and the masks for so long. Time is not on their side, you may start to see the red flags and places where their stories don’t make sense. Proving time is for your benefit, as long as you listen for the clues, good or bad.
Bread dough that rises too quickly loses its resilience and flexibility. It becomes dry and cracked. It is sort of like the balloon that is blown up really big and then deflates but can’t be blown up again. It has no stretch. It is useless.
There is also the opposite Narcissist tactic, the “always an excuse” for why we can’t move forward in the relationship. They keep you stuck where you give and they don’t. They are getting what they want and have no intention of giving, so they stall out the relationship with avoidance, stonewalling and even rage when you question where the relationship is going. This is the bread dough that never rises, it will be hard as a rock and less useful.
Again, not only does the other person need time to prove who they really are, you need time to recognize it. Because often, we only allow ourselves to see what we want. Until it is too late.
Starting to practice these two healthy skills in self-preservation and self-care is a good start toward avoiding unhealthy relationships with Narcissists. And building good relationships with caring people, including you.
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