Today was a beautiful sunny day, warmer than usual for this time of year. Ironically with a massive blizzard predicted to arrive in a few hours.
I ran out to grab a few things from the grocery store. Nothing like the idea that you can’t leave home for a few days to make you start desiring everything under the sun in the way of grocery store items.
So beating (some) of the pre-blizzard crowd, arriving home still in the sunny warmth, I was rocking out to the tunes on the radio. I was feeling really good. Even decided not to care if anyone from my apartment building was looking out their window, seeing me grooving in my car and singing along from inside my soccer mom van. I felt empowered. And dare I say it, cool.
And ka-blam. It’s over. Coolness factor ended. I went around to get my sacks out and grab my purse. I was carefully trying to juggle all of the bags, anything to avoid two trips. And wham! My purse falls out onto the running board. Upside down. With all of the contents spread across the parking lot. So much for cool.
Today, I chose to laugh. I even avoided the look around to see who saw. I don’t always make that choice but today I did. So I was able to pick up all of the change from my purse, scoop up the rest of the contents, my bags, and away I went. Still with a smile.
In the past, some days (lots of days) I didn’t do so well. I would lose all of my joy. I let it erase the whole rest of the day or my belief in myself. Shame heaped on me by others was refreshed by me. It was like the good of the day was chalk on the chalkboard. One swipe of the eraser of negativity could remove all of the positive chalk lines.
It’s difficult when you’ve learned that you are only valuable for what you can do. Or if it only counts if you do it perfectly. That doesn’t leave much room for self-respect, validation, or self-acceptance. It takes time and often a lot of work to start realizing that you are valuable because you are a human being, that you don’t have to earn your right to breathe.
You aren’t better than anyone else, but you definitely aren’t worth less. You get to choose how to interpret your history and how to create your today. Maybe today you want to laugh and join in with the Stuart Smalley character in saying and believing “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Laughing and smiling is a good way to start enjoying your life and who you are.
Maybe today, instead of erasing all of the good, erase the negative feedback you give yourself. Take setbacks as learning, failures as proof of effort and trying new things. Take yourself a little less intensely, turn the tunes up and sing out loud. Let some joy fill up that tank of validation. Do a little dancing. Don’t look to see who’s watching. You are alive – it’s a gift – believe it, own it, act like it.
I don’t always do as well as I’d like, but I’m working on it. And today, I was able to keep the sunshine and the smile. Kept dancing to my tunes. If I can learn to do it, so can you. Learn to build your “I’m okay, just as I am” muscle.
You likely will need people to help you gain perspective and encourage you. Often it helps to find a counselor to help bring some perspective and help you sort through your story. But either way, do what you need to do because you deserve to be cool with you.
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