As I look back now, I can see the pattern. He made it perfectly clear that he was not going to invest himself in putting thought and effort into how he treated me (or generally, the kids). If he had always been careless about gift giving or just was really bad at picking out gifts but had made an effort – I would not have been upset. The hurtful part was that he chose to not give any or thoughtful gifts. At least not after we were married anyway. He had done a better job giving gifts before we were married. And my standards were pretty low for inducing gratitude, so he really would not have had to work very hard. I really believed that “it’s the thought that counts.” (It was in fact somewhat of a Stockholm Syndrome situation, where my focus was on meeting his needs, not mine.) Unfortunately, I learned his thought was, “you are not worth it.”
Anyway, I now realize that this was one more example of the unhealthy relationship we had. He would be emotionally, verbally and financially abusive 99% of the time, and then once in a great while, he would do something nice, or even average. Then I would forgive him for all the rest. And because that one moment was so much better than the other times (every other day), the bad times were dismissed. (It was in fact somewhat of a Stockholm Syndrome situation, where my focus was on meeting his needs, not mine.) Once again, my hope that he would be better, kinder, gentler, more loving, etc. was rekindled. Sort of like believing in the tooth fairy or Santa, you so want to believe in it that any little encouragement is enough. This was a textbook example of an abusive relationship where the abuser has to do so little and gets so much reward for the rare and minimal positive actions. But because it was emotional and verbal but not physical, I did not recognize it as abuse. I didn’t understand then or realize my anger (when I allowed myself to feel it) was not an unhealthy bitterness but a healthy, balanced look at an unhealthy, unbalanced life situation.
But back to the day of the vase & roses. That day was the beginning of an eye-opening revelation, even at the time I received the flowers. I remember, he had done all the right things, expensive roses & vase, surprised me by arranging with my bosses so he could sneak them in to my office at work. Everyone at work ooooed and ahhhhhhed over them, wishing me the best on my anniversary, congratulating me on having such a “sweet and thoughtful husband.” But I knew it was only because he knew that there were certain societal expectations for certain situations. And that making a big hoopla over a 20 year anniversary was one of them; it would reflect on him poorly if he did not. I knew that day before I ever left work that it was an empty gesture. In fact, I hated that vase from the day I saw it. Not because it wasn’t beautiful, it was. But because it was not one I would have picked out – a symbol of how little he knew me, and because it was not sincere. If it had been sincere, it could have been a milk carton with construction paper on it and I would have loved it. But this was just another checkmark completed on his computerized to-do list.
I even tried to convince myself that within his capability, he had tried to choose something he thought I would like, because of the shopping questions. But I could not get past twenty years of ignoring my desires: like asking him for any kind of jewelry, anything. When we were first married, he got me a $14 gold bracelet (as thin as a piece of thread) for our anniversary, and many times I told him how much that meant to me. I wore it all the time. I never received another piece of jewelry from him except for the Christmas after I found out he had cheated (the first time). (Part 2 of 3, continued)
Click to Read Pt 1 of 3 or Pt 3 of 3
Have you ever been in a relationship – where you felt invisible? Like nothing you cared about mattered? What did you do?
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