Today I was (again) sorting through boxes of stuff that was packed when I moved, shortly after my husband died. These boxes have been moved again and again, then stacked in a dark corner of the basement, out of sight, sort of out of mind, (sigh – not far enough out). I remembered how this was hurriedly packed (e.g. dumped from the drawer and arm swiped off the dresser top) in to a box. Not going to say my husband was a bit of a hoarder, but he passed away in 2003 and the receipts I found from the top of his dresser went back to 1999. In fact the two receipts in front of me, were from August 24, 1999, the day before our 20th wedding anniversary. I had never seen these before. When I opened each one up and saw what they were, I started to get furious at him. Again. And he has been gone over 11 years.
It’s not like I thought about or felt angry with him often anymore. And I wasn’t bitter, didn’t obsess about his actions; it wasn’t worth the energy and sorrow. So I was surprised by the anger, not annoyance; this was full-on real anger. In fact, I was so surprised by the intensity of it that I did a sort of mental checkup and self-exam of whether I was unhealthily stuffing anger or obsessing and/or victimizing myself, giving too much power to his actions. I wondered if I should have already “let it go” and been “over it”. This continued to bother me for a while. I mused about the circumstances and why I was having what seemed like such reactive feelings, especially after such a long time.
As soon as I saw each of the receipts, I remembered the details as if it had happened today. One receipt was for two dozen roses, the other was for a relatively expensive vase purchased at a local jewelry store. The amount spent was fairly significant at the time, although not more than we could afford. In fact it wasn’t the amount spent that infuriated me, or even that it was done the day before our anniversary. I remember when I received the gift, I was not really surprised. Not too long before this significant anniversary, we were window shopping at a mall on our way somewhere. I had seen a few pretty vases in a window and husband had been a little “too” interested in that, asking questions and having me show what I liked. That was totally out of character for him. He normally did not care a bit about what interested me.
In fact, in all of the years we had been married, although he was very intelligent, and had given thoughtful gifts to others, he had almost never given a thoughtful gift to me. It would not have been difficult for him to know what I would like, since I both hinted and directly told him what I would like: jewelry of any kind, perfume – I stated what I liked and the bottles were on the dresser. I did not ask for anything expensive, difficult to find or unusual. Even my pre-teen sons noticed the lousy gifts he gave and wondered why they were so thoughtless. He was making (and spending) a good salary, but as an example – one year for Christmas he gave me cheap kitchen towels and spatulas. I think I gave him a watch that year. A nice one.
He never took the boys to get me a birthday or mother’s day gift, even though we always made sure he received thoughtful gifts for his occasions. For Christmas, he added their names to the gifts he gave (like the dishtowels). So why the grand gesture now? Why the roses? Why didn’t I love them? And why did I want to throw them in the trash? (continued Pt 1 of 3)
Click to Read Pt 2 of 3 or Pt 3 of 3
Are you finding yourself looking back at your life and wondering how you missed the signs?
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