Third In A Series: What Life is Like With A Narcissist – Change the Focus from the Narcissist
Change the Focus from the Narcissist
(Click to read Part 1 and Part 2)
Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a Narcissist for any length of time knows that everything focuses on them. In fact, once you realize that everything always leads back to attention on them, you’re likely to start realizing they are a Narcissist. You’ve may have heard the saying “all roads lead to Rome” which meant that they were at the time the center of the world. That is what it’s like being in proximity to an N (narcissist).
No matter what the discussion, the N will turn it to be about them, even if it was about you. If it was about something you did or accomplished, it will become how they experienced that, how they could have done that, or more likely, how unimportant that was. Unless of course, it benefits them by association; friend of an important person is important by proxy.
If it was about your feelings, especially in how the N treated you, then the focus is turned to how that statement hurts their feelings. It becomes about how harmed they are by your remarks. They will push, rage, and manipulate until your distress becomes about their pain. They will keep verbally (and sometimes physically) pushing, often till you actually apologize to them for even insinuating that they might have been imperfect and/or hurt your unimportant feelings.
When you’re caught up in the center of that drama hurricane, it’s hard to think clearly. It’s hard to see that it’s not about resolving issues. It’s about turning the focus back to them. And that is the point to the N, all of the focus is to keep attention on them. You may leave wondering what happened to you and your needs in this relationship. You may be frustrated that the focus never seems to be on resolving issues you care about. Or about your feelings, needs, desires.
Part of regaining your footing, your perspective, and literally control of your life, is to change your focus. You need to relinquish the idea that you can change them, probably by catering to them, enabling them, treating their needs as more important than yours. You need to turn your focus to what you can affect – you.
That may feel really strange at first. But a healthy, balanced relationship, includes taking care of yourself, focusing on your needs. Focusing on yourself too gives you the opportunity to be a healthier, happier you. And healthier, happier people are better able to have healthier, happier relationships with other healthy, happy people. Or recognize when they are with people who don’t want them to be healthy, happy people.
You are not being selfish to focus on self-care, you are supposed to take care of you. Just like you care for your body and physical health, you need to care for you emotionally. Which requires focusing on you too. Because if you are not part of the focus, you are invisible, you don’t exist in the relationship. Only the N. And that’s definitely not focused on a balanced, healthy relationship.
So today, focus on you for a while. Smile and say cheese.
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