Have you had people in your life who seem to keep score constantly of anything they do for you? It seems like they keep an account book giving themselves credit for any action they deem to be positive. And a list of all the negative things you have done.
They tend to weight their contributions much higher than anything positive you do. No matter what you do, they think you owe them. All of these strings attached to their “gifts” end up being used to control your behavior.
I have found myself in those types of relationships, where no matter what I did, it seemed they thought I was indebted to them somehow. They also thought that gave them the power to have things their way most of the time.
We only seemed to go where they wanted or eat at the restaurants they liked, and so on. When I wanted to do something else, it became a major discussion or was just dismissed. Even worse was when they would agree to go but then spend the entire time “reminding” me of how much they disliked the choice. And what a sacrifice it was on their part. Definitely not worth the price of their company.
Sadly, these may be people in important roles in your life, such as parents, siblings, friends or even your spouse. The feeling of tracking how much you “owe” them can be so overwhelming that you don’t want their help at all. You know that the “cost” of the favor will be too high emotionally, with a big helping of guilt and shame to go with it. Worse is when they are your only resource for help, so you feel you have no control or choice to walk away.
The goal in our relationships would be for a reciprocal or balanced give and take. This avoids the scenario where one person does most of the giving while the other does most of the taking. It also avoids the nitpicking and petty rating system of a selfish-hearted person.
If both people in the relationship are setting healthy boundaries so they feel respected, they can freely give, leading to a healthy give and take which overall balances out. Some days or even seasons may be weighted more heavily toward one person, then it swings back the other way.
If someone feels they are being taken for granted, both are able to have an open discussion regarding their feelings and rebalancing the relationship. Blaming, shaming and guilt are left out of the discussion. Caring and cooperation for their better good is the focus.
It is a big red flag when someone is not open to discussing your feelings of being in an unbalanced relationship. If you find you are in this situation, it may be time to step back and get some perspective, re-evaluate the value of the relationship, and decide whether it is one that is worth continuing.
Because a gift with a string attached isn’t a gift. It’s bait.
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