How do you tell if someone you know is just not your cup of tea, may still need some time to mature or if they are really, really selfish? Here’s a good start.
You might have a Seriously Selfish Person (SSP) in your life if:
- They treat you as “less than” or “not enough” but deny it if you confront them. They tell you that you are “over-reacting” or “too sensitive.”
- They start out very charming and intense, quickly taking relationships much faster than normal with lots of compliments. Then once you are involved, they no longer want you, you seem to no longer be valuable in their eyes.
- They say things that make you feel bad about yourself and your feelings. Or they actually get you to apologize for hurting their feelings by stating your feelings.
- They never apologize. Remember “I’m sorry But…” does not count as an apology. It is just another way to make an excuse and put the blame back on someone else.
- They make you doubt yourself by continually questioning your choices and actions, such as – “why would you do it that way?” or “what were you thinking.”
- They generally make everything “all about them.”
- You’ve noticed that no matter what you say or do with them, it won’t be right or good enough.
- You are continually making excuses or apologizing to others, for the SSP‘s behaviors and actions. You may be trying to convince others that the SSP really is a good person, they just… bla bla bla.
- Your SSP is much easier to get along with when no one else is around to distract you from focusing on them (like kids, friends & relatives).
- Or when with a group of people, the SSP needs everyone to be focused on how great/smart/funny/etc. they are.
- They cannot agree to disagree, they will continue to argue until you agree with them or state they are right. Issues seem to always come down to right or wrong – not different choices. You may be hanging up clothes “wrong” or arranged your kitchen cupboards “wrong.” It becomes easier to agree than endure the debate.
- There are two sets of rules – one for them and one for others. They are allowed to do whatever they want while you must plead your case for what you want to do, checking in with them/getting approval/permission regarding your actions/whereabouts/any purchases/who you spend time with – even if it really does not affect them.
- They have an incredible need for compliments and admiration – a bottomless pit of need.
- When on rare occasion they do something nice, it is a huge deal. They seem to get more credit than others for minimal effort.
- Their pain is always worse (in their mind anyway) than anyone else’s and is more important.
- They do the least amount possible to keep you in their life. And sometimes they seem to be running away, till they want something.
- You find they lie so as not to inconvenience themselves or to make themselves seem more important/rich/educated, etc.
- They act as though everyone else’s opinion/feelings are much more important than yours.
- You often feel that your SSP considers you to be an inconvenience.
- You know you are not perfect, but the treatment and reactions you are getting are over the top in relationship to the situation. Such as rage over an inconvenience or shaming over personal traits.
There are lots of others. This is just a sample of what to notice in identifying the way SSP‘s treat people. Because SSP‘s are so good at talking you out of your own opinions and convincing you that you are “crazy” or “mean” – it helps to have a black and white list of behaviors to identify and compare.
And how the behavior shows up depends on your relationship with the SSP – whether you are friends, relatives, dating or significant others. The closer the ring of relationship – the more “crazy” and “mean” you are going to see.
Remember, we all have those days when we are selfish, cranky, or difficult. Two or three on this list is probably just a bad day or lack of maturity. But this is about a pattern of behavior, not an exception to the rule.
This is just a short list (really!) of common behaviors of SSPs. It’s just a guideline to identifying a person who makes it a habit much or most of the time to treat others as though they are only tools to be used for the SSP‘s convenience and happiness. This is commonly, particularly true in their treatment of people they think are “beneath” them or who they feel have “slighted” them (treating them as less special than they believe they are).
Have you had (or have) someone like this in your life? How did you realize this was more than just a bad day but that they were Seriously Selfish People – SSP‘s? Did you find that you had been ignoring what your gut was telling you? Or was it a total surprise?
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This is the second in a series of posts on the Seriously Selfish Person or SSP starting with How to survive the Seriously Selfish Person in Your life. To read the first post which defines a Seriously Selfish Person (SSP) Click Here.