Here we are, fully into summer, on the brink of July. Again. And again I am shocked. As though it had never happened before. I am continually shocked at the passage of time. I am continually feeling a bit lost and disheveled…. like I am not quite sure of the path. I don’t seem to know where it goes or where is the good footing. And as if it just seems to run on without a thought of me. Me, stumbling in at the last minute like a rumpled guest who forgot their invitation and gift, wondering what they are expected to do to catch up. Like driving in reverse, trying to take in the scenery, stay on the road and reach your destination.
It makes me feel I am never living in today. But continually playing catch up; mourning the lost days and opportunities, glimpsed in that rear view mirror as they go flashing by.
So June is gone and what did I live, experience, embrace? Did I laugh, did I dance? Did I breath and feel? Or did I spend it wondering where went May?
I want to remember to live, to live today. Today.
I am especially thinking of this as I lay out the map of changes coming. I am gathering my hunches and trials, memories and dreams, to move. Sorting them into boxes to take, boxes to give, boxes to throw away. Moving toward a new garden. A garden of high expectations and promises, to build a new story in my life. And part of that move, part of those dreams, includes realizing how many Junes, and Julys and more have passed whizzing by without my really “being” in them. Those regrets pulling at me to keep me focused on them, again missing out on being here now, keeping the pattern.
I’m trying to lay down those regrets. So that my hands will be open to today’s offerings. I want to be here today. I want to let go of some of the regrets and the muddle. I want to quit driving in reverse with a trail of apologies and tears. I want to see the sunsets, feel the rain and be.
So I am seeing July coming. I am planning on experiencing it. I am choosing to actively “do” those dreams. I am jumping. I am jumping into July and hope and possibilities and new opportunities. It’s my regret reduction plan. I don’t want to regret missing another month of my life. Here’s to July! Here’s to being here for my life! I’m putting it in Drive.
How ’bout you? Let’s try to keep it out of reverse, at least for today.
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