I grew up in a family where nearly everyone was either Codependent or a Narcissist. Generation after generation. But we didn’t know that. In fact the term, codependent didn’t even come into use until the 1970’s. We’ve been perfecting that role at least back to the 1800’s.
That was normal for us, we didn’t know anything different. We even mixed it up with both males and females in each of those “starring” roles of Narcissist and Codependent. Not surprisingly, we also had addiction, mostly alcohol and food, in the mix. Some generations actually had the addict, some were just living with the fallout of the addictive behaviors. Addiction and codependency go hand-in-hand, common companions. Same enabling behaviors.
The great thing about a match of a Narcissist and a Codependent, is the Narcissist wants and expects you to give everything for them and the Codependent is willing to do it, without really expecting any return. You may hope for it but you’ll keep giving whether you get anything or not. Drop a crumb now and again, that codependent will not only stay, they will punish themselves for not doing enough. It takes one to know one. It may feel like they are in hell, but they will stick it out with eternal optimism that “it will get better.”
Just for fun:
Where do two Narcissists go to dinner? Wherever they can impress the most people or get the most sympathy. If they can finish “one-upping” each other.
Where do two Codependents go to dinner? They starve to death because they can never make a decision. They will wait for the other one to make it. They will defer to death.
Not so funny if you have been in that role of a codependent person. You may be so worried that others won’t like you, that you are wishy-washy about everything. You may be quiet and always let others be in the limelight, making decisions, choosing goals, taking advantage of you.
Or you may be frustrated and angry. You may be working really hard to control your world so no one gets hurt. You may get angry that others don’t appreciate all that you do for them. You may even give up your whole life so that others can pursue their dreams. Then wonder why you don’t feel happy and they don’t feel grateful. Or even want your advice.
You may be able to stand your ground with acquaintances and coworkers. You may feel that you need to do all these things for the sake of others. You may find with those you are close to, children, significant others, spouse or parents, that you justify their behavior. You may ask yourself what is wrong with you when others treat you poorly. You may put on Ray-Bans to avoid seeing the frantically waving red flags. And tell your “gut” to take a vacation.
Because you know, that if you make a decision, stand your ground, make a choice or practice empowerment, you might not be ready to take the fallout. You know there will be a fight if you disagree with a Narcissist or Seriously Selfish Person. Or even someone who is used to you giving in. And you know that you might find out whether they love you enough to stay in it when you disagree.
And you know you may have to face some scary questions. Do they really love you? Or just what you do for them? Have you done enough for them to be “enough” so they stick around? Are you giving up some of what makes you “you” so that someone else isn’t inconvenienced or angry?
And one of the really big questions. One that keeps us in crisis mode, fixing everyone else’s messes, saying yes to things we hate, and giving up our choice, in order to stay in a relationship. Am I lovable as I am? Or am I too broken?
Let me just say, that is one really big question that you probably won’t have enough perspective to handle on your own. You know all of your imperfections and they probably are glaringly apparent to you, so you expect that is all other’s can see too. You probably are going to need someone trustworthy and wise enough to walk you through that forest. But it will be worth it.
You want someone who can bring perspective and feedback to help you realize where you are, encourage you through the change, and tell you when you are being too soft or too hard on yourself. Whether this is a friend, a coach or a therapist, find someone you can trust who gets you and is not in a position to discourage you.
This CANNOT be a spouse or significant other! That is a dynamic that will either damage you or your relationship or both. It is much better to have someone who is in a position to be non-biased so that you can hear what they are saying, and they can say what needs to be said without fear of losing your friendship.
Be brave, take that first step of taking care of you. You can do it! You CAN decide! You can choose not to be Codependent anymore. It is worth the trip. Take it from one former codependent to another, you can get out of the hell you’ve locked yourself in.
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