Bait & Switch – The Narcissist’s Method Of Capturing Kind, Intelligent People
The Narcissist presents at first as a charming, caring, thoughtful person. They cannot keep up this persona long-term. But with the right motivation (capturing a new victim) they will make great efforts.
Generally, at the beginning of a relationship, they will put a lot of effort into presenting the appropriate “bait” to interest you and make you feel that you have found what you’ve been looking for. They may make a great effort to listen to you, “share” details with you as close friends/lovers would do, and compliment you. They may be very focused on listening and using any revealed tidbits about yourself to mirror agreement and closeness. They will flatter you and try to either impress you with their desirability or appeal to your compassion for others (themselves) who have been mistreated. Likely they will use both of these methods to cement your attachment to them and close off your retreat, making you feel it would be too painful for them.
Once they have you engaged in emotional talk, it makes it much more difficult for you to say no, walk away or contradict them. Unlike the narcissist, most people want to believe that people they know are generally decent and reasonable. So they don’t want to be rude, cold, uncaring or difficult. This is especially true if you have blurry boundaries or are a people-pleaser, not wanting to hurt other’s feelings. Most of us do not relish conflict and expect others to be relatively reasonable. Most of us just don’t want to have to argue, disappoint or say no. This gives the narcissist the tools necessary to coerce someone into doing what the narcissist wants rather than face a confrontation, be disappointing, or be considered difficult and unkind.
They are actually using your kind and caring nature against you. This puts you into a situation where it feels like it is your fault and mean to reject them, disagree with them, or walk away. They have baited the trap with your desire to be validated and kind, something we all normally desire. Then they have used this to trap you into meeting their needs. Generally, you are left feeling confused and a bit shamed.
The shaming is the last switch and locks you in. The longer the situation goes on, adds to the shame. You become shamed for wanting to get out of the painful situation, shamed if you don’t live up to this description of you that they have created (the perfect person), and shamed for not fulfilling all of their needs. After all, as they have likely shared with you, they are looking for that person who is finally going to treat them the way they “need” to be treated. Eventually, you will shame yourself over the idea of being stuck in this trap, increasing the shame for staying. This adds to the feeling that you have no power; no matter what you do it won’t work out well or right.
So you do nothing. You become paralyzed in the trap, now stuck in the abuse from the narcissist but blaming yourself for it. Thus the “Bait and Switch.” You were drawn in by the vision of a beautiful, close relationship. Captured by someone who does not play by the rules yet uses them against you. Then they have switched to treating you as though you were a shameful and inadequate possession. One that they are burdened with, but heroically soldier on, keeping contact with you.
You have gone from being on a pedestal to being chained and jailed emotionally. The emotional manipulation keeps you off kilter, removing your perspective, lest you regain your bearings and focus. They must not allow you to feel empowered, worthy, or capable. Because then you would realize you don’t need them and would be free to walk away, leaving their lies and manipulation behind.
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