Life After A Narcissist

Do you sometimes wonder if you are, or do others tell you that you are, “too nice?” Does it feel like you aren’t good enough unless you are doing something for someone? Does it feel like your desires and preferences take last place to everyone else? Does it seem like the nicer you are to your significant other/friends/relatives, the worse they treat you? Do you rarely “stand up for yourself” in a discussion?

Maybe you are being “too nice” and it can hurt both you and your relationships. If you are wondering, take the quiz below.

It isn’t a matter of this number is too nice/this number is not. It is to help you assess your behavior trends. See if you recognize a pattern of behavior that could indicate your relationships and your behavior may be out of balance.

Although, relationships should not feel like a game of checkers where every time one person makes a move to do something nice, the other person has to take a turn and do the same, there should over all be a reasonable balance, day-to-day of support and kindness. It also should not be a feeling of win/lose but win/win as supporting each other builds relationships.

Here’s the Quiz:

Imagine we’re roommates, friends, relatives, etc. Go with what you would normally do,  in answering the following questions YES or NO:

1. We’re sitting in the living room watching TV, “would you get me a glass of water, please?”
2. I’m on my computer or watching a movie and you just told me dinner was ready, “would you bring me a plate (of food)?”
3. You see that once again, I have not taken the trash out, even though we agree it is my responsibility. Do you take it out and avoid the discussion?
4. I regularly go out once or twice a week with friends and just tell you I won’t be home for dinner. If you want me to take care of the kids so you can go out for an activity, do you have to either get a sitter or ask me farther ahead of time and give me time to think about it?
5. Do you have one or more friends who spend most if not all of the time when you are together, talking about themselves but rarely asking about you and your life?
6. When we go out to dinner, do you generally answer “I don’t care” or “whatever sounds good to you” regarding where we go?
7. If you are angry with me and you are blowing off steam talking about it to a friend, do you spend a significant portion of your time telling the friend why I’m “really a good person” and what you did to bring this on?
8. Do you think, “if I was a better _____ or did a better job at ________ then I could complain about my significant other’s behavior/treatment of me?
9. Do you think very carefully about how and when to tell me bad news, because you don’t want me to get angry?
10. Do you think that it is better to say nothing than have a long argument with me, even when it is something you care about?
11. Do you worry about making me angry?
12. Do you worry about whether I will think you have worked hard enough?
13. Do you feel guilty spending $5 or $10 even though I may be spending 5 to 10 times that on myself?
14. Do you generally excuse my bad, difficult rude behavior because you know I had a painful/difficult childhood, a bad day or some other excuse?
15. Do you find that you are generally doing all of the comforting/helping with little to no reciprocation of helping or listening from others?
16. Assuming you are an adult, does someone else make most of the decisions about your finances without much if any input from you?
17. Do you avoid discussions because it is just not worth the frustration and you know you will “lose” anyway?
18. Does your significant other/friends rarely or never apologize, even when they have hurt you in some way?
19. Do you apologize for your feelings?
20. Do you feel like you are taken for granted?
21. Do you usually give in to other’s choices because it is easier?

If you answered Yes to 3-4, you may just be a very giving person. Think about any patterns of situations where you may find yourself leaning toward or away from being out of balance in relationships.

If you answered Yes to 5-10, you probably are giving in pretty often. This might be a feeling that you must  justify your needs, a habit you learned or you may be someone who hates confrontation and conflict, even at the risk of losing your voice and power.

If you answered Yes to 11 or more, there may be a pattern of behavior that could be very out of balance in some or most of your relationships. There can be a number of reasons for this. This much imbalance can sometimes indicate that someone has difficulty with their self esteem or even may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. It also depends on the family traditions and culture they are in.

The real value in this quiz, is to see if you are comfortable with the current balance of self expression and care that you are displaying and receiving in your relationships. In the next post, we take the results from your quiz and discuss what that might mean to you, and also how that may affect you and people you care about. We’ll also talk about how someone might change the balance if they don’t like their results.

Were you surprised at your results? Were you happy with your results?

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