Recently I was watching a cast reunion for a very popular movie and one of my personal favorites – Pretty Woman. It was fun to reminisce and you could tell that the cast members really liked each other and had enjoyed making the movie together.
It made me think about the later scenes in the movie though, where Richard Gere’s character wants to keep Julia Robertson’s character in an apartment which he will pay for and provide money for her needs and wants. This will be much more convenient and healthier for both of them. They argue and he states that he has never treated her like a prostitute. After he leaves the room, she says quietly “you just did.”
In his mind, he was giving her all of the physical things she needed but he was keeping her at a distance emotionally. In fact, since she would be in a separate apartment, he could call on her when he had time for her, releasing him from responsibility of the day to day give and take of a full relationship.
The amazing thing about Julia’s character in this movie was that she recognized that and would not allow herself to be treated that way. She chose not to be in a relationship where she was to be enjoyed when it was convenient, then put back on the shelf when it wasn’t .
As I look back, I wonder sometimes if that didn’t happen in the relationships with the Narcissists in my own life. My own feelings of not being enough would push me to give more than I received. I became willing to keep giving and giving and giving, even while I was only acknowledged for my actions, not for just being myself.
They on the other hand were very much operating from the idea of “I provide this so you should do that.” Many times this was even part of arguments or discussions we had such as “I make more money than you so you should do all the cleaning and chores at home.” Or less obvious discussions about some expensive item received and then asking if I had done this or that – a list of activities imposed to emotionally earn that item. Often I felt as if they thought I was an “inconvenience.”
These conversations made it clear that the other person was NOT operating from a place of love, emotional interaction and provision or a balanced “give and take” relationship.
In fact, if I brought that up, there would be a long and furious argument (i.e. yelling from them) about how much they did for me (financially usually) and how dare I hurt their feelings by questioning their decisions and actions.
Eventually, I would apologize and walk away just to stop the fury.
Did you catch that?
I had to apologize to the person who was mistreating me for hurting their feelings by bringing up the idea that they might be less than perfect and treating me poorly.
You might need to read that again.
Essentially, (although I did not realize it then), I was being pimped out for my basic needs and love, then emotionally assaulted on top of that, particularly if I complained.
But, just like others who are physically and emotionally abused, often we are so dazed and numbed by the abuse, living crisis to crisis, we don’t think we have any power.
We lose our confidence in our self and our ability to make decisions. Also, we can’t believe someone we care about so much, can treat us that way – we think there must be some other explanation than that they are selfish (see series on Seriously Selfish People) and Narcissistic.
We have long ago lost our voice and our power. We may not believe we have a choice. We may believe that we are not able to make it on our own.
We may believe no one wants us or will believe us. We don’t want to give up the hope and life we invested in believing “they will change.” We don’t want to believe we have wasted all this time in our lives. And maybe in the lives of others, like our children.
The kicker is, we likely still love the other person and are afraid of what will happen to them. We are also afraid of them. We have lost “me” to the Narcissist fury and control.
Sadly, we wait for them to “come to their senses” and start treating us better. Most of this happens behind closed doors so we think no one will believe us anyway – it sounds crazy.
But the crazy is staying in it. It shouldn’t be a question of taking care of yourself or doing everything the other person’s way. But with a Narcissist, it is.
Is it time for you to look for the things that should be normal in a relationship – love, consideration, respect and admiration?
You very likely will need someone to help you sort out all of the lies and craziness the other person has brought in to your life to get you this point (called gaslighting). Realize they have had all of their life to perfect their lying behaviors.
It is no longer all about them. It is time for it to be about you. And the grief you may be experiencing at the losses you now see. You may lose material things. You may have to let go of the idea that someone else can make you happy, especially that person. Or that they will change in to your idea of who they are.
You may have to grieve how someone could treat you so shamefully. You may have to work through shame or anger about how you were lied to by this person. But the peace and confidence you gain from not living with “Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” anymore will be worth it.
And best of all, you CAN be you, an even better you with the strength and knowledge you gain!
If you think you may be involved with a Narcissist, Here are some resources that may help you decide:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell
or
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201408/living-liar-can-make-you-crazy (about “gaslighting”)
or
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love
or
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/
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