Are emotional and/or physical abusers hiding in your church? Is someone you know misusing scripture to dominate or control others who want to please God? Are you locked into an abusive relationship using only part of the Bible’s discussion of marriage and how to treat others?
Does it feel like the abuser is protected and the abused would be punished if they try to protect themselves? Even just the idea of failing your family or being the “first” to “break up” the family, can bind someone emotionally in an abusive relationship.
Often the one being abused has been so emotionally manipulated that they have lost the belief that they can leave the abuser. They may even not recognize that they are being abused, focusing instead on trying to please and nurture the one taking advantage of their kindness and compassion. They are so focused on trying to heal the abuser’s pain that they don’t address their own pain. They can so believe in the goodness of others that they do not recognize the manipulation, harshness, and cruelty of someone they love abusing them.
This emotional abuse is real! And coercing someone to stay with an abusive spouse by saying clichés like “God hates divorce” or “women must be submissive” can contribute to or prolong the abuse. This is compounding it with more shame and hopelessness, teaching the abused that they really have no power. We are finally coming to a place where we recognize physical abuse. And hopefully, the church is not knowingly contributing to spouses staying in that situation.
Sadly, recognizing emotional, verbal and mental abuse is still far behind, both in and outside of the church. It is much more prevalent than we would like to believe, including in the church. Obviously, most abusers are not in the church and most church-going husbands are not abusive. But it is a good place to hide out for those who are putting on a mask of righteousness and demanding not to have their decisions questioned. They can cherry-pick Bible verses to twist in order to control and abuse their spouses and families.
Frequently, the reasoning they use is not even Bible verses, but rather common sayings that they misuse. The shaming and religious abuse are very powerful tools to add to their armory. If making your spouse feel stupid, inferior, and a failure is working, how much more so if you add in that they won’t be pleasing God if they don’t do what you say. The shaming opportunities are abundant, they get to be the righteous, “holy” one and supposedly hold others’ eternal outcome in their hands. That’s an abuser’s dream! They do wrong and make the abused feel bad about it.
Unfortunately, abusers are very good at hiding what they are doing. You would be too if you practiced lying and manipulating pretty much all day, every day of your life, in order to get what you want. So friends, relatives, church people and even the pastor likely won’t have any idea what is going on behind closed doors.
That’s why we cannot issue blanket statements about marriage, submission, and divorce. Otherwise, you may be handing the abuser a bat and telling him where to hit along with your blessing to do so. And convincing his wife that she has to take it or God will be angry with her. Not really what most people and certainly not what most pastors want to achieve.
Would you send a woman with bruises and broken bones back to her significant-other abuser? Would you give a pedophile free reign by sending their victims to live with their abuser? Of course not! So then why would you send an emotionally abused and traumatized wife back to her abuser?
Why would you tell her that if she just tried harder, was a better wife, was more patient, did what God wanted, etc., her marriage would be fine? Essentially you’re telling her that God is perfectly fine with the abuser continuing to traumatize and wound his wife but his wife needs to take it because “God hates divorce” but is okay with abusing wives and children! That is certainly not true.
If you feel you are experiencing abuse, please reach out to someone safe for help. You need someone(s) to stand with you. If you feel you are working with someone in counseling, whether from a pastor, family member or a therapist, who does not seem to recognize or understand emotional abuse, please, please, PLEASE, look for someone who does! This is your life!
Remember, the abuser is the problem, even if other’s don’t recognize it. And you need someone to help you know what to do. And possibly why you are still with someone who is not kind and loving to you. You need to know so you can surround yourself with people who are loving and kind to you. It can happen to you.
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