In my family, we are tough. We are strongly German. Which for us means stubborn, strong, loud, work horses (aka obstinate, brash, dependable). You just keep treading out your path and getting the work done.
I have often joked that the only reason we would ever miss a day of work was if we were dead. And we would be back to work the next day. If we say we’re going to do it, we do it. If there is a crisis, we handle it. Regardless, we keep things moving; keep working and cooking and doing laundry and ….. You get it.
That is a wonderful work ethic. Fabulous when you are an employee or working on a project. Great when you are applying for a job. Necessary when there is a health crisis and someone needs to keep things taken care of.
And terrible when it becomes your method of dealing with personal trauma and heartbreak without taking the time to grieve. Terrible when instead of realizing sometimes you can’t fix a problem, you need to eliminate it. Terrible when the pain hurts so deeply that you cannot even utter the sounds, you can’t even eek out one tear. Letting it continue can take you to that dark and painful place.
Dealing with Emotions
It starts out as just a little “maintaining” your composure till you have time to deal with emotions (which you don’t do). Then it becomes “I have so much to do that I don’t have time to deal with this.” Followed by the treadmill of crises driving your latest mantra “I’m Fine!” which is code for “I’ve been stuffing feelings so long, I don’t even know what they are anymore.
Because the hiding of your emotions has become so encompassing that you are numb deep into your heart. You not only aren’t be able to shed that tear but you are afraid if you do, you’ll be washed away by the flood. So you just keep on doing what you’ve been doing – hiding and numbing.
The problem with this is what, you say?
Emotional Numbing
Emotional numbing is sometimes a part of the “buck it up and keep going” way of operating. This can be greatly helpful if you are stranded somewhere and need to keep moving to get to safety or you’re feeling sort of blechy but not really sick and you need to get to work.
It doesn’t however work so well long term in relationships, emotions and personal health. Sometimes you have been the good sport, bucking it up, keeping on swimming, keeping walking, ad nauseam . You’ve been ignoring your feelings for so long, you don’t even remember what they were before you started stuffing them. In fact, you not only don’t remember what they were, you don’t remember what it feels like to have feelings or why you should!
That may be when you start to realize that although you might not be feeling much, not much hurt or anger, compassion or passion, you don’t remember the last time you felt happy either. Just like Novocain numbing your mouth, you don’t feel pain, but you can’t do what you want to, can’t feel good things either.
Losing Your Voice
If you are having to numb your feelings constantly, then you have lost your voice. You aren’t having the opportunity to speak your thoughts, dreams, opinions. And if you are with someone who doesn’t care to hear your “voice” then you are disappearing.
Likely the only feeling you may experience then is sadness. You may find yourself sighing a lot. You may find you don’t care to plan anything because you just don’t care. You don’t expect to enjoy it so why make the effort. Besides, you have to save all your strength for the daily crisis or crises coming your way, and fending off the emotional attacks.
The good news is that your voice and your joy are still out there, even if you can’t see them right now. They are worth reclaiming! Find someone(s) who will listen to your heart, safe people who will listen and support you. That may be family, friends and/or a counselor, someone to help you thaw out some of that numb, listen to your heart and encourage you. It is empowering.
De-Numbing
Start to plan something in your day that will put a smile on your face, get out and walk, get some sunshine, see a funny movie. And if you need to let out that flood of tears in a controlled situation, rent a movie that makes you cry, grab a box of tissues, a bowl of popcorn and settle in. You choose – whether you need to cry it out alone or whether to watch with a sympathetic and tender-hearted friend.
As a mom, my movie recommendations are Beaches with Better Midler and Steel Magnolias, but there’s lots of choices out there – The Notebook, Secondhand Lions, Pay It Forward or … whatever you prefer.
So get De-Numbing. And remember, you’re losing water weight! 🙂
And for a double-feature, watch something empowering, joyful, or funny. (Ex. Good Will Hunting, Legally Blonde, First Wives Club, A League of Their Own, Erin Brockovich or The Help.
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