First In A Series: What Life is Like With A Narcissist – The Win/Lose Agenda
Win/Lose –
If you’ve ever had a, ahem, “discussion” with a Narcissist, where you did not agree with them you may have found that they can take offense over the smallest differences of opinion. When it is just the two of you, unless they are in the mode of flattering you, they do not take well to any type of indication that they might not be right about something. Or just that you have a different opinion, choice, or thought.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING can become a battle over who is “Right,” even your favorite color or food. Emotionally it can feel like you have returned to pre-school and that any moment the communication will dissolve into a chorus of “Did not! – Did so!” in order to settle the disagreement (aka argument). It certainly isn’t a discussion. There is no semblance of two mature minds sorting out options and differences of opinions. This has become a full on Win/Lose, pride match, where “winner” takes all. Loser is… well, a loser in their book, so it can’t be them.
How dare you think you could have your own opinion! There is NO agree to disagree. If you disagree, you are calling them “wrong” which to them is totally unacceptable, a fate which is apparently almost worse than death. It appears to be for the Narcissist, right up there with actually feeling emotions other than anger, to be avoided at all cost.
For you, this may be a difference in taste, opinion or experience. For them, your disagreeing is code for saying that they are inferior, stupid, worthless, ignorant, useless, WRONG, etc. This reaction can happen over the most insignificant and surprising topics. Everyone can sometimes be stubborn about something, but for the Narcissist this is a common way of thinking and acting. Unless they are in a mode with a different objective.
For instance, early on in a relationship with a Narcissist, they may be trying to win you over, so they may agree with everything you say. They may be trying to show you “how much you have in common, and how perfect you are for each other.” When they feel you are hooked, then suddenly any hint of your own opinion can lead to these types of arguments which can quickly become volatile and emotionally overwhelming. Often, you walk away wondering what in the world happened. And how did such a raging argument happen over such an insignificant statement, if you can even remember how it started.
If you don’t have strong boundaries and a very solid sense of self, you will also likely be bullied into apologizing for causing the problem. It can be very easy to be sucked into the ridiculousness of it, which may lead you to apologize for not meaning to upset them or hurt their feelings. You’re confused and rattled, they’re pumped up with adrenalin from the drama and the ability to manipulate. You’re feeling upset, they’re empowered. They win, you lose. And you didn’t even know it was a battle.
There really is no way for you to “win” or even abstain from this battle. If you disagree, the war is on. If you don’t engage, you will be antagonized until you do. If you agree with everything they say, you will be berated for “not making decisions or having your own opinions.” Then if you do state your opinion, game on! You are back in the ring, battling out why your opinion is wrong.
You may find yourself thinking “there’s no way to win with him/her.” And you’re frustrated because you don’t really want to “win,” you just want to find the way to make the situation better. The answer to the only way for you to “win” or even just avoid this battle? Don’t be there. Sometimes we say that with a Narcissist, the only way to win is not to play the game. Sometimes that’s not enough. You not only have to not be in the arena, you have to not be in the building, neighborhood, maybe city.
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