Yesterday I was reading Michele Cushatt’s Blog and it really resonated with me. If you have ever, are now or expect to walk through a very difficult situation, you will want to read 12/16/2014’s post – Secrets in the Dark.
In fact, it touched me so much that I began formatting my thoughts for a comment. Pretty soon I didn’t have a comment, I had a blog post. First, let me make it clear, in no way am I saying that my situation is as difficult as what Michele or anyone else is or has gone through.
What I am saying, is that sometimes we are in a very difficult place, without the control to change it, and the regular “band-aid” answers do not apply. Sometimes we just have to sit with our situation and our relationship with God, bravely realizing it is going in a new direction, sadly grieving that same thing. Sometimes the situation just stinks! I can both call it what it is, and know that God is moving me toward what is “good” for me and keeping me in his plan. And I have to have time to process forward to that place too.
Sometimes we just need to “be” not “do,” where we are in our pain until whatever God is teaching us is done. Sometimes we are going through dark places and we won’t be dancing. We will be questioning, listening, feeling our way along the narrow crevice with our fingertips in the dark, where we may not understand or want to be, in our humanity, as God has created, learning a new way to live our faith.
And sometimes we are in that place where there are no answers. So don’t give them. Just sit quietly with me. And let me do the same. And Listen to me, let me work through this.
And not at first, but when you have earned the option by sitting with me in my pain, maybe you can say:
Yes.
I am there with you. I understand.
Or I don’t understand what it is like to be where you are, but I care.
That is essentially what I commented to Michele. I wanted her to know that she is not alone, but rather one of many of us, who are “working out their salvation” which includes those times when we are afraid to believe and afraid to doubt. When the line between A and B has a lot of bends, squiggles and tears.
I understand what it is to be that child in faith, believing that God can do everything. Believing fully that He can fix the problem; that you are not being selfish ,disrespectful or unfaithful in your requests.
And yet He may not make the situation better in our mind, or easier or less painful. That knowledge is the scary part of faith.
After reading Michele’s brave sharing of where she is right now emotionally, I am flooded with relief to know that I am not alone with my perspective or my story. Or the desire to share my story, a dark and discouragingly long story, which in my brighter moments, I believe are on the journey to “something better.” And in my darker moments, I feel panicked, lonely, desperate and questioning everything. This from one who never questioned God. Perhaps that’s why now there Are a lot of questions.
I am encouraged by her transparency, to tell my own story. And ignore the looks from those who have no clue what I am talking about. Or who feel compelled to “rescue” God’s reputation by telling me what is not happening. Or by those who are just uncomfortable to not put an end to the story already, a tidy, quick answer. That is the point, God is neither a vend-o-matic God, nor tidy and quick according to our schedules.
I have recently stepped out in starting this blog to tell my own not-so-pretty, but hopefully compassionate, instructive, faithful, NOT “Barbie & Ken are Christians” story. For several reasons not discussed now, I keep second-guessing putting it out there.
But for those of us who are not walking through daisies, we need to feel God and connect with others, too. We need to tell our story as Job did. And we need for others not to judge or as Michele said “fix us”, a common go-to activity.
All of these things seem to lead to a long journey of dichotomies. I am not joyful for our situations but thankful that there are others who are bravely saying this journey is simple, NOT easy. I feel a kinship that there are others who understand that deep, pit of the stomach groaning for answers to prayer. And the struggle to both keep faith and know that you do not know or see the long game.
That is both comforting and the scariest thought on earth. I both trust God totally with my whole life and being, and ponder what he will choose as the best path for me, afraid for the departures in our choices of direction, yet trying on faith and positivity.
When walking through these hard places, platitudes and hopeful reassurances cannot faze that deep need and pain. It has to come from the Spirit, again like a punch to the stomach, laying us on the ground sobbing; knowing we don’t deserve His mercies while franticly grasping for them, like a drowning swimmer. We are overcome by His mercy when it comes and when it doesn’t. It helps to have a warm around you with a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
This is that place when I tend to say somewhat sarcastically, “I didn’t want this wisdom” or “I didn’t need to know this.” And He ignores those cries of a fussing child, continuing on with the plan for my good but not always today’s happiness. This is the place where we can feel really alone in the quiet of the night, waiting for the outcome, or the explanation, which may not come. And this is where the stories get really messy.
It makes me think.
If only the easy stories were told and not the messy ones, the Bible would be a blank notebook.
Please pass the ashes.
Jan Smith
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