Me and the Wizard have been hiding behind the curtain, here’s a peek.
You have probably seen the movie where the “wizard” was really just a man hiding behind a curtain, shut up behind a wall. He spent his whole life covering up who he was and the mistakes he had made. He invested a great amount of energy in making up elaborate stories to convince the people that he was the bigger-than-life character with great powers, which he professed to be. He used fear, control and manipulation to keep others from finding out all of his lies.
The one difference between the movie and real life? He actually does have empathy and desires to change when called on his behavior. In the movie, he starts telling the truth, being compassionate, encouraging others and helps them achieve their goals. Cue the heart-tugging music.
In real life, Narcissists don’t suddenly develop a conscience, perspective and/or the desire to put others before themselves.
Sadly, most of us have a great deal of difficulty getting the courage and opportunity to look behind the curtain. Most of us have difficulty believing that someone who can seem so charming or helpful or interesting one minute, could actually be serving their own needs, ready to toss you aside on a whim. They use you until they are done or bored with you and move on to the next unsuspecting supplier of their endless need for control, power, and validation.
This is a pattern I have seen so many times it plays like Groundhog Day. I myself had been living the soul-sucking, esteem eliminating, perspective-blind life of someone who cares about a Narcissist. All of this with huge helpings of perennial optimism and boatloads of “benefit-of-the-doubt” clouding reality and chaining you to the floor of your emotional prison built to make you believe you have no power.
Do you feel the emotional exhaustion of dealing with a Narcissist yet? Now think of this for 20 or 30 or 40 plus years. Makes you want to drop in a pile of defeat.
That is the life that I lived for many years. That is why I read psychology books and self-help articles constantly, hoping to find the key to improving the life of my (not yet diagnosed) Narcissist, thereby improving my life and my children’s lives. You see I really believed that he was just suffering from his own trauma and surely with the right information, he would want to be a better person, husband, father, friend. I believed that I could be the one to help him overcome all that pain. And then surely he would love and appreciate me; I would be validated and valuable (read as codependent).
That’s a whole lot of dysfunction going on there. Needless to say, the light did not go on, and we did not live happily ever after. However, I finally learned I was in a situation that was never going to get better.
And it was a pattern we were passing down to each generation in my family like it was the treasured silver tea set. Instead of the rotting, life destroying pattern of relationships and behaviors which virtually guaranteed perpetual pain, depression, and defeat, that it really was. Because you see, in my family, our family crest was Narcissist – Be one or Marry one. And nearly everyone in the family had lived according to that unrecognized motto.
After all of the pain I had seen, experienced and contributed to, I had a deep passion for learning as much as I could, becoming a therapist, writer, and speaker to help others stop the pain. I wanted to help others not have to live through the pain, thinking there was no hope. And I wanted to make sure that the pattern stopped. I didn’t want myself or my children to blindly end up in the same relationship over and over again as is so common when we don’t know what the problem is. I didn’t want other families to experience that pain either when there are answers out there if you just knew where to find them.
Part of that plan is to share my knowledge “learned from the journey” in this blog. Most of the recommendations for blogging tell you to pick a role to write from, “sage” (someone trained in something), guide (someone who’s been there and back, who can help you find your way) or the traveler (someone out on the path traveling now and reporting back on how it’s going).
At this point, I write from one or more or all of those perspectives. I did go back to school and became a licensed therapist (however, no therapy is offered in this blog – just information). This gives me access to lots of theory, research, and knowledge about why we might do what we do. Then there is my life lived which has given me those 5 decades of experience studying and working with Narcissists and those who love them. Not uncommonly, those who love them may start or, at least, end up in a codependent role.
Last, I am still a traveler, continuing to learn to be brave, rebuild my life and avoid becoming Narcissists’ prey again. Having walked all around the elephant and observed them for many years, I think gives me some wisdom to talk about that “elephant in the room.”
My wish for you is that somehow something you read here will inspire you, comfort you, and let you know you’re not alone. I hope it helps you make choices and/or changes to move you to the life you want. And that’s why I write about Narcissists, and being codependent, recovering your life and Hope.
Signed,
Jan
sage/guide/traveler